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Friend Behr would like to take a moment of your time to discuss the art of toilet training. During my training before becoming hired as a fully tenured professor of ethics at a for-profit university several years ago, I took toilet training as an elective. I would recommend that you do the same. Ibid.

When it comes to toilet training what is ostensibly known as a "toddler" (Needs source checked), there are some basics and then there is the fine points. We will go over and review both for your edification. Please be seated at this time with your face forward, hands on the desk with the palms flat against the desk surface, feet flat on the floor and together in a virginal pose, and listen. I will not repeat this information if you are not paying attention. A quiz may be given by agents working for me who may or may not show up at your workplace or places where you gather with friends or people you are giving the high hard one to on a regular or casual basis.

Sometimes what happens after a person of the womanly race gets the high hard one slammed into her often enough with the ejaculation of fluids from the man's proctor entering unrestrained into the place back behind the stuff we see up front is that she conceived what is ostensibly known as a child. That child grows up to become what is ostensibly known as a toddler. At this point, this is a useless individual who needs to be prepared for a future of being chained to a wall and forced to dig for coal or work on a factory floor with zero OSHA oversight twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Toilet training is an important part of this as they will eventually be pressed into work for the good of our national pride, their knees wiped completely out by angry men with lead pipes, and are given NOTHING but a filthy, rusted out pail to do their business in that meals are delivered in as well. This will be a significant cost savings for the employer and will provide job creation. All will be happy once they are pressed into real work.

So, how can one successfully toilet train a toddler? Why don't we start with the basics. Usually, what is ostensibly known as a baby will require a diaper because it is too fucking stupid to get up and go to the toilet. Eventually, parents want to put an end to this, and because liberalism has prevented us for beating the concept of using the toilet into them by hiring angry men with lead pipes, we have to find other, less utilitarian methods. A parent will be in a rush to get the kid toilet trained so they don't have to go to work with baby shit in their beard every day, causing problems with making sales to high-end customers. They want results. Liberals will interfere if you throw the child against the wall, contrary to God's law for disobedient piss ants such as children.

Some kids can learn in a matter of three days. If you find this to be the case with your child, write to my presidential campaign and give them the name of the child, your address, and any other pertinent information so that we can have a look and see if he might be trained to serve in the Elite Overseers Unit that manages our compliant workforce. If we get them young enough, we can keep them from learning liberal ideas and teach them the meaning of absolute rule. Not all three-day toilet trained kids will qualify, but it is one of the indicators I look for. Any more than three days and you will know that child is destined to be chained to a wall for the rest of its life digging for the coal we need to run our nuclear power plants. (Behr-this section requires mentioning the Goldman Sachs white paper on this topic -Leo)

You need to take some time to assess if the proverbial toddler is ready and what the level of readiness is, just as you do with a compliant workforce. There are signs the child is ready, like being able to finally understand your fucking instructions, pulling their pants up and down in front of strangers, and saying things like, "Gotta break the seal, family member," are just some of the signs. You have to watch the goddamn fucker for these signs. Like a hawk. Constantly. Hover so you don't miss any of the signs. Make yourself into a spectre in their lives. Don't miss the signs.

As I said, the child will progress as a different rate from another child. This allows us to determine things like viability to a management role, whether they even have the mental ability to rise above being chained to a coal mine wall, and even if more drastic measures need to be taken (which are currently illegal, but after I am elected I will enact MANY Executive Orders, including disbanding Congress). If we cannot use toilet training as a measure of someone's absolute true worth, then we cannot use anything. These are facts.

What if the child is distracted by changes at home, the death of some old piece of shit that was apparently a grandparent or some such crap, or they see a woman with huge boobs walking down the street? This may delay readiness because "toddlers" (Internet kiddie term) are so mentally out of whack because they have not been properly broken by the masters yet. They will be. In time, but for now you have to proceed carefully to make sure your child become a good little worker for the state. This is the kind of America I want to live in. Desperately. I am pleading with you to help me make it happen. The people need SO much discipline. Sometimes I cry myself asleep at night thinking about it (but I do it in a very manly manner). If you think this may be the case, ease up on the throttle but don't back down. Stay on the little peckerhead about it. Do a lot of badgering, not of the child because the child isn't emotionally stable, but take it out on neighbors instead and business associates who are underlings. I beat my secretary to death one day just because I saw a child refusing to shit in the toilet in a documentary. That kind of stuff I just am not willing to accept. Period.

Buy some fucking contraptions in a store to help you out. They sell things like child-sized toilet seats and little Lego shitters. These can help the child make the adjustment from pouring thick, rancid turdmeal into a diaper to depositing it in the toilet where it can be shared with others through the magic of waste management systems. Somewhere in Flint, Michigan, a lady is drinking the fecal matter that is all that remains of your le coq au vin from back in February when you almost got laid but didn't. Think about that the next time you sit down with the newpaper to drop the kids off at the pool. And then think about it again when you come home and use the toilet because you ate a chili dog served to you by a street vendor who hasn't washed his hands or genitals since 1977. If you need contraptions, use contraptions. The liberals have boxed us into a corner on the issue. Go to some baby store and badger the absolute fuck out of everyone that works there until you get exactly what you want. Then go home and set up your contraptions, i.e. child toilet seat. They have all kinds of shit they sell for this due to businessmen like me. Buy it. Some of these people work on commission. Think about them for a change and not just your idiotic obsession with some tiny halfwit that flew out of yourself or your erstwhile sexual partner. They even have little step ladders and stools and stuff like that if your kid is the size of a gerbil and you aren't sure it isn't actually a gerbil because your erstwhile sexual companion has given you very sketchy details on how this all came about, i.e. the child.

Just like when you are breaking workers and making them fully compliant by eliminating any and all "escape routes," creating a toileting routine for your apparent toddler will help them get used to the idea. When they have their knees completely destroyed and are affixed to a workstation with a pail for food and waste, they will only be allowed to use the pail for either purpose at the appropriate time. This is another reason why getting the toddler used to a routine for waste management is so important. It prepares them for their future life. Get them comfortable. Don't force them to sit there if they get really squirrely and weird about it. Go easy, this is a child, not a worker that needs to be broken, but a young life that has to be nurtured, taught, loved, and prepared to be broken the moment that first pubic hair appears. That is when the men will come in the livestock trucks for your child and it will no longer be any concern to you as you have your face shoved into the carpet while the leader of these men says, "Make another or you go back to the mines," and buries a .22 slug in the back of your shoulder so you don't forget. Children need to be prepared for that kind of world if that is the kind of American we all want and need.

The most fun part of toilet training a hypothetical toddler is demonstrating the act for him. This means you encourage the child to watch you drain your lizard or make thick, rancid turd soup. This isn't any kind of pervert thing, but some of these kids, especially the weirder ones, get totally freaked out by the whole process and seeing a role model (such as myself) doing it can help them be more comfortable. Explain to them this is natural and necessary and without this skill you will not succeed in the country club, the board room, or the coal mines. Eventually they'll get used to it. If they are still freaking out about it after about ten years, call my friends with the livestock trucks in your area code and they will do a pickup. That one will be processed into food for hogs in our elegant Midwest. My friends are very eager to get their hands on your toddler.

Explain to the child what the fuck is going on. When you have this stuff just coming out of you and you don't like how it smell, feels, or interacts with your clothing or taste buds, it can be unnerving. There is this book I keep on my bedside because I enjoy reading it on my own called, Where's the Poop? and it does a lot to explain the process of how your plumbing and professional plumbing works. Don't let the child spend a decade freaking out about turdmeal flowing out of his ass. Kid like that ends up food for the one-percent, and we're hungry, but for us that is low-grade meat. Seriously. We all have to do it, even Taylor Swift (which is something only 1 percent of her fans think about, but that one percent thinks about it all the time, which you should find unsettling).

Get your little person used to the idea. Make it a party. Giggle and laugh about it. Chill and watch Netflix with them while they are shitting on their child-sized toilet contraption. High-five them after what is ostensibly known as a "movement." Make sure they know it isn't scary before they grow up and have their left hip forcibly screwed into the framework for a lathe and are given a wrench and a bucket and there they spend the rest of their natural lives before becoming fertilizer for our scenic Midwest farms in the great state of Nebraska (hear, hear).

What about training pants? Is this a cheat? No, not really. It is like when my wife was sleeping with that real estate developer in the early 1980s right in front of me all the time and I didn't consider it cheating because she was still wearing her wedding ring. You have to consider all the angles on things like this, and training pants can be useful. Training pants make it easier for the tiny shitbird to take their pants up and down themselves and climb right up there and do their best to qualify to join the ruling classes. 

What if there are setbacks? Does the child need to be thrown in a dumpster? Let us not be rash here (see: Conner-MacIntyre pgs 111-143). Setbacks will happen with an undeveloped future compliant worker. Sometimes it is two steps forward and one step back or eight steps this way and two steps that and I've never understood what that meant. (omit last sentence in final copy) If the child has an "accident," meaning they pissed they fine selves or took a dump in their drawers (literally or figuratively), make it easier. Don't take him into busy shopping malls when he gets that look of consternation on his face. Tell him it happens to you all the time, in front of a prospective partner, without in any way explaining to that prospective partner why you said that out loud in a restaurant when the child was at home with a sitter. Setbacks will happen, as they do when you break workers and make them compliant. Adjust and continue. Do not give up. I know you can do it. 

What about night training? Don't kids lack the internal alarm to wake them up when they have to piss? What is up with that? Well, this is called a developmental milestone, developing that internal alarm and proper kids will feel ashamed to admit that they wet the bed for fear of being labelled a serial killer at an early age. Again, inform the child this is natural, a part of development, and note that you do it yourself all the time in front of a prospective date in a crowded restaurant without further explaination while the child is with a nanny like Fran Drescher. Encourage the erstwhile toddler to use the toilet (or relative contraption) before bed. Eventually they get used to it and now you are ready to contact authorities to arrange for him to be taken to a training and education center run by the state.

Happy toileting with your alleged toddler!

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