Introduction
In today's fast-changing world, the world is changing fast. This I
hold beyond dispute since I find myself typing a different word than I
was a mere eight seconds ago. Holding the tumultuous nature of the
word as axiomatic, we must venture forth and propound theories. This
is important since theories provide a pleasant balance between
hypotheses and laws which, if allowed to numerically prosper beyond
constrains, would make things too uncertain or certain. It is
imperative then to propound a theory of test-taking to further ensure
a warm and fuzzy quasi-certainty about the world.
Why tests must be taken
Tests are taken for many reasons by many people. Unfortunately, there
is only one good reason to take tests and so most of our motivations
for taking them are misplaced. Take, for instance, the case of a
mildly-retarded Bihari railway porter. Impressed by the Nietzchian
adage that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," he took it upon
himself to take a series of grueling engineering entrance tests.
Having finished the last in his batch of tests and finding himself
still alive, he marched to Patna Junction to see how many sacks of
army-issue, flood-relief sacks of Top Ramen he could carry. Much to
his chagrin, he found that due to his recent sedentary studious ways,
he was able to carry fewer sacks than before and thus, by implication,
was now weaker. I am sure that you will concur with me if I said that
he took those tests for the wrong reason.
The only good reason to take tests is to establish minimum
incompetence. A prospective employer or academic institution needs to
only to look at your test score to determine how incompetent you would
be at the very least in a given matter. For example, a score of 72 out
of 100 on an ichthyology test establishes that, at the least, you will
not know one third of what there is to know about fish in a particular
context. Your relative incompetence then determines your chances of
everything from your becoming a marine biologist to succeeding at the
sort of 3-D chess played aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise. Thus, tests
must be taken whenever one needs to establish one's minimum
incompetence for prospective employers, educators and benefactors.
How one should fare in tests
A score of 100 out of 100 might tell an employer that you are capable
of being negligibly incompetent and all it would take is a few
lashings of a sharp-edged whip to extract your best. However, since is
it generally difficult to excel on a consistent basis (since otherwise
a thing such as excellence would not exist) and due to the prevailing
petulance of employers and the lot, it is very likely that heightened
expectations would lead to severe beatings and torture of both
physical and mental kinds should you fail to be perfectly competent. A
much lower score of 30 out of 100 would be equally bad. It would be
difficult to find employment (or whatever it is that you are seeking)
since you would demonstrate a high potential for incompetence. If you
did somehow find employment (or recruitment into the yakuza or
whatever), you find yourself with a resentful employer already
planning a lethal attack upon your being. Then, no matter how well you
work, you will still be clubbed with prejudice, hatred and perhaps a
blunt and heavy instrument. Given the above, it is best to aim for a
score that is moderately high. In this way, you will catch the eyes of
desired people, while generally avoiding both mental anguish and
severe corporal torture. It will be easy to meet expectations and
still feel good about your level of incompetence.
Preparing for tests
Having established that tests are taken to establish minimum
competence, I declare that most people prepare for tests with the
wrong motivation. They attempt to work harder than they ever have and
generally do their best. This is clearly wrong since, in this way,
they are only adding to their proclivity for receiving emotional and
physical pain. It is best to prepare for a test in a way that does not
push one's limits. At the same time, underperformance is equally bad
since that would diminish one's chances of achieving immediate goals.
People would best serve themselves by respecting their natural
capacities and personality traits. Overachievers are only setting
themselves up for future thrashings and underachievers also doom
themselves to the same. People acting in conformance with this
wonderful theory will find themselves in their rightful positions in
the pecking order, with plenty of time to spare for recreations such
as marble-collecting and underwater photography.
Conclusion
In all, we see that test-taking is necessary to progress in life and
tests should be taken in neither a stressful nor carefree manner. It
is also paramount that one remains motivated to perform in conformance
with one's natural predilections and proclivities to find some
marginal happiness in the world and to remain sane and healthy. I hope
that this theory will have disabused you of your misconceptions about
test-taking and paved the way to lifelong happiness and all-round
metaphysical contentment.