Today it seemed that everywhere I went I was accosted by the front page of the Toronto Sun. In gazillion-point Second Coming typeface, it cried "INSIDE EVIL ORGAN TRADE", accompanied by a picture of a man holding up his shirt to display an appropriately evil scar on his left side.
In checking now on the interweb, I see that in much smaller type it says "Manhunt for 'Dr. Horror' exposes global network of human suffering Page 3". I don't doubt that a harrowing tale of, well, human suffering, lies behind the headline. But that's not why it captured my attention.
I spent the afternoon commute deep in thought about this rather ambiguous headline, based on the way I initially parsed it. My first reaction was surprise that medical science had identified the Evil organ. Not so much that it existed, but that I'd somehow failed to hear about it before now. The sociological implications are staggering. Would removing such an organ become a new elective surgery, or even worse, a condition of employment for educators and police officers? What about politicians, or would doing so effectively neuter them? Would we see Evil organs routinely excised as part of prison programs?
Then there's the scar. It seems evident that the Evil organ is in fact the appendix. This explains much, but raises all kinds of secondary questions. Is the Evil organ a sort of bile duct, cleansing Evil from the body or possibly providing a sort of Evil enzyme as required? Do people who have their appendix removed lose their capacity for Evil? Or, worse yet, does the Evil begin to accumulate in their body unfiltered? Would a study of John Wayne Gacy, Jr. and Jeffrey Dahmer find that they had their appendixes removed at a young age? Or that they retained appendixes into adulthood (as I myself have done)? Do people suffer burst appendixes because they suppress their evil desires and ambitions so long that the Evil organ overloads? Would the perpetration of a minor Daily Evil suffice to release the pressure and keep the Evil system in balance?
Then there's the whole concept of trade. Presumably not the sort of trade like Ray Emery of the Ottawa Senators to the Los Angeles Kings for Rob Blake and a bag of pucks (though now that I type it, it has possibilities...) but rather an organized business, presumably of the black market variety. But again, of what sort? Do minor villains and failed bad guys (say, Chad Vader) look to transplant larger or better functioning Evil organs in order to improve their ability to commit Evil? Would some prison surgeries be guilty of selling Evil organs of celebrity killers as highly prized specialty items?
Now that the news of the Evil organ has broken, will we begin to receive email offers that claim to Increase your Evil organ size by up to 3 inches?, promising to be Sure to impress your girlfriend/wife? or perhaps even to Make your adversaries scream (for mercy)?
These are the things I wonder about on the subway when I have forgotten to bring a novel, and I'm tired of trying to learn Russian from my iPod.
http://www.torontosun.com/FrontPage/2008/02/05/4828092.html