It wasn't until later that evening, when I was sitting trying to hide my tumultuous sea of emotions from everyone around me, that I was hit by the real crux of what she had said.
I'd spent 20 or 30 minutes earlier being consoled as one does after receiving a particularly stinging piece of criticism, but this had mostly centred around why the critique in question was WRONG; or why every other aspect of the work of done here was, at a bare minimum, acceptable.
But that wasn't the real cutting edge. No, when she'd told me that my defeated mood over the last few days brought down the rest of the team, it's the isolation to follow that's the real kicker.
You see, you can't hear something like that (especially if you know the subordinate saying the words has already spoken to YOUR superior about the issue at hand) without being a little hurt. Upset that instead of being concerned about your needs an individual who professes friendship should instead care more about productivity. Angry that your good reputation has been tarnished. Concerned about the state of your reference when you leave the role in 5 days time; not to mention shocked at the pettiness of a grown adult who couldn't keep their feelings to themselves for the same 5 day span.
And then how do you cope with that hurt? You certainly can't talk to anyone else about it; doing that brings people down, remember? Spending time alone simply doesn't comply with the schedule. So I put it to the back of my mind. But even there, I could feel it burn. I could feel the weight of it at the base of my skull. Smouldering away. That self hatred. Questions like "why does this always happen?", and the age old "why don't people like me", fly out like embers. And I realise I can't hide this internal torment. People must notice; the room is quieter than it should be; the attitude somber; I'm bringing the group down with my sadness ;abort, abort! But how? All I want to talk about is how much this burns, yet to do that would be to do the exact thing I'm accused of.
Make an excuse. Say it with all the gusto and enthusiasm you can muster. Hope it's believed.
Leave before they see you cry.
It's worth noting at this point that I'm currently leading a small team on an overseas aid project. I work, eat and sleep with the same 10 people day in and day out. I am their support system and they are mine. That is, until they're not anymore. The rest of the world? Well, I wrote this paragraph on the afternoon of the 2nd in a notebook during what I thought was a short power outage. I'm only just getting to post it now. Is anything better this morning? In a word, no. I woke up with the crushing pressure of exhaustion and, within around 5 minutes, a headache. Attempting to take the tea graciously offered by my roommate revealed I had also lost my voice. The cold that had been festering for the last fortnight making me tired, and admittedly, a little short was launching a final salvo.
15 minutes later the morning meeting started. My head swam and I couldn't make decisions. Yet I'm supposed to be affable? Tolerant? Am I not allowed bad days? Feeling particularly delicate and sorry for myself, I retreat to bed on the verge of tears. From my window I hear one of my team kicking the fuck off about the unfairness and laziness of that decision. I hurt the team both when I'm there and when I'm not.