To be young again, I guess that is what I would wish to have once again. To have the innocence to look at the world through the eyes of a child, without knowing the true face of reality.
Due to my mental instability (I am going to a
psychiatrist or
psychologist tomorrow]), it seems like my day gets worse at it seems.
Suicidal.
Happy. Its a tilt-a-whirl of emotions. Humbug. Let me get it over with.
After midnight, I'm still on the phone, writing my day node from the day before. Still on the phone, I start to wonder how people can have
small talk for the longest time without falling into the pressure of boredom. How interesting. Maybe if I can handle this turmoltuous time, maybe I'll write a paper about it.
Then, about 4:30 AM, when my phone pal left me because she has school the next day, I sat here, again where my mind can be at ease. I used to be able to contain the pressures that I am feeling with the use of
meditation but not anymore. There are a lot of things I used to be able to do. Curiosity has left my mind. So has hope. I'm almost 20 this year. Actually, its
MrFurious's birthday soon. How old have I gotten. It feels like the best days of my life has passed me, like the feeling when someone is about to die. The flashing of the life before your eyes is something that I have been getting for a while. Maybe its a sign.
I close my eyes. I sit in a meditative state. I cannot sleep, again, but I try to anyways. My body has not succumbed to the pressures that its environment has given it. I've eaten one meal a day for the last six days.
Malnutrition is the least of my concerns right now.
Then I fall off into the world of dreams. Even then, I see no hope. Just pictures that torture me of the past and what guilt I have over what I have done before and what might happen to me now. Go see my dream log if you want to. To try to become friends with a former lover is not easy, if not difficult. I am not one to accept defeat easily but even I have my limits. I have breached that limit and more. I just don't care anymore about anything.
I hear my family scuffling the floors around my house. They think I am sleeping. I hear them muttering about how I skip too much school and how irresponsible I am. Each word stabs at my heart like a sniper's bullet. But I accept it because I cannot deny them what they believe. I might not be here for long to prove my point. I hope that the doctor can help me calm my mind, and my body.
Noon.
Ring. My phone rings. My lady friend calls me. She wants to know how I am. She's so sweet. She understands me. I wish I could make it up to her soon.
I wake up in the afternoon. No cheery birds. Just the wind chime occasionally making a random tune to the wind's touch.
MrFurious asks me if I want to eat. We go, and of course, we go get the cheapy
teriyaki chicken at Richmond Public Market. Hmm. I didn't even taste the food. I didn't even want to eat but he did so I'm all good for that now. Off to the arcade.
DDR. Sort of funny actually. There was a young lady looking at
MrFurious while he was "performing". Hmm. I saw because I'm pretty good at the game and after a while I can glance back without losing touch with the rhythm. I tell him. He doesn't believe me. I don't have to lie. I'm pretty sure he understands that too.
Home I go. I was about to go out and take a walk with another lady friend of mine but my mom has taken my car keys away. And she yells at me about how irresponsible I am. I can't take this anymore. I walk out. I kept walking and walking. Even the cold air cannot calm my nerves. Back to the arcade for me. I go out and play some games. And then back to walking.
Then my phone rings again. Its my friend that called me earlier. She's so sweet. I've never had a friend that thought so much about me. Even my ex-girlfriends never did that before. I wish that I could thank her somehow. She tries to calm me down, and to some extent, she did. She made me think of other things but hiding behind a wall while people are shooting at you will not get rid of the people shooting.
Back home I go. Darkness engulfs the room as I extinguish the last light source in the place. The typing of the keys are what my nights are lately. And the ringing of my phone. But tonight, my phone is silent. I need that silence. I need to think. I need to know what to do. I don't have time to do it all.
A lot of people fear death. I'm not one of them. I embrace it. I am afraid of one thing though. I'm afraid of what is happening when I'm gone. But right now, I have no reason to stay as it makes everything easier if I left. While no one told me to go, no one has told me to stay. I have always prided myself on one that people cannot forget easily because I have always been there for them. But while they cannot forget me, I'm not crucial there. Fine with me. They can charge the expenses to my credit card.
The eerie silence mocks me, as the sky turns a bright gray. Clouds moving silently, along the grace of the wind. Which direction they go, they don't know. They follow where their destinies lie. I'm not a cloud, nor do I know where my destiny lies. I fear nothing anymore, not the light, not the darkness, not the void. They should fear me, because I no longer fear them.
Let the silence move you. Don't fear them. Fear me. I will strike. You just don't know when.