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"are you grown?"

This is the type of question that YOU need to be asking of your friends, relatives, and associates when they are listening to the people inside the television. You need to know this. Are they grown? (or, in the modern phrased, growed).

One of the things that has always bothered me when I see people staring at people who are inside of their television is "Why they are sitting so close? And why are they listening so intently? Are they in love?"

Good question. Topical.

And this is where we get off on the wrong foot.

You hear these people say things like, "Dinner is in the oven, I've got a date with that nice man who comes on at 8 o'clock. He's delightful." You hear them say things like that. You do. You really do.

These are the same sort of assholes who tell you to go "wash up for dinner," after they just watched you wash up thirty seconds ago, like you ran your fingers along you own buttcrack or something. These are the kinds of people we're talking about. People like that.

They are very, very annoying people. And they have that quality in their voice that makes you want to run your fingers along your own buttcrack and enjoy a seven-course meal. You become like that. It cannot be avoided.

There weren't always people inside of the television. It used to just be tapes that they would play, much like your 1980s era VHS tapes (now illegal). Now, a lot of these people are actually inside of the television rather than on a tape. And sometimes there isn't even a seven second delay. So, you basically never know what you are going to get.

And people believe that these people know what they are talking about just because they are very much inside of the television. And they are making drunken grandpa get his cockles up. Big time. We've seen a little of that of late. Lord Finneran had cockles that were up a lot. We all know how that turned out.

So, we need to figure out how exactly televisions are made. No one knows. When they were discovered in a cache off the coast of Maine by a dubious expedition, it was like bells going off throughout society. It was. It really, really was. Bells were going off. Throughout society.

I think that we've effectively made the case there.

Now, if you are walking down the street and someone comes up to you and starts hitting you in the head with a rolled up magazine, what are you going to do? You are going to absorb the blows and try to get to know him or her better. You are going to try. And you need to make an honest effort.

Now, say the person does not seem inclined to answer your questions? What if they begin hitting you harder and harder with that magazine, all about the face and neck? You try harder to get to know them better. See if they are into any scholastics. That is always a good topic to try. You might lose an eye, but you could gain a friend. Something to remember. So, try. Really try next time, okay?

What if we had an opportunity to strike the people who are inside of your television with a rolled up magazine? Wow, that would be something, wouldn't it? Try Googling for programs like that.

I'll tell you a story now.

It was back when I was just home from missionary work with Save Pale Young Boys from the Congo. I didn't realize at the time what kind of organization that really was. I took it at face value. What a mistake!

Anyway, just back from the missionary work, and I was getting ready to get into the missionary position with a mere acquaintance, when I got hit so hard in the nose with a rolled up magazine that it shattered the cartilage, forever destroying my ability to smell things or to wear glasses. On top of that, a piece of the cartilage broke off and went into my eye, bisecting my eyeball and causing it to halfway fall out.

Now, I think pretty quick on my feet, so I grabbed a nearby napkin from the table at the foot court at the mall (where I was getting ready to get into the missionary position with a mere acquiantance), and used that napkin to hold my eyeball together while I tried to find a topic to engage my new friend in conversationally.

In the end, the bid was very successful, and we went to see one of those Transformers movies together after that. Regardless of the wisdom of that particular action, it is important as a lesson to remind us that you can always go the extra mile for someone.