Thanks for your messages. They do help, even if I sound like a despaired
fuck when replying.
I almost snapped explaining mom that it's actually common for companies
to just ghost you after sending in your resume. "These days---I
said---if I get an actual rejection email it's a miracle". I wish to
avoid waking up to more ghosted applications, and to a few rejections
every day.
I shouldn't snap at her, I know that she asks out of love and out of
genuine concern. I also know that she hasn't looked for a job in a few
decades.
You know how a therapist tells you that the room is a safe space to
talk? I don't feel that safety here. Many of my creative plans require
me talking and I don't want her to listen. Many of the things I want to
do require multiple takes and I don't wish her knowing about me in that
way.
A friend texted me the other day and I told her about these things
happening in my mind. She said something like "focus on something good,
like the fact that you don't have to cook". Which is a fun thing to say,
given that I do have to cook, or otherwise I'd feel even more
useless.
I have insomnia, and I wake up at the same time every day because I'm
terrified to even propose the idea of "treat yo self" days in this
household. If the conversation of breakfast quickly turned into a
lecture, I don't want to discuss truly important subjects here. So I
write them to strangers on the internet.