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Thanks for your messages. They do help, even if I sound like a despaired fuck when replying.

I almost snapped explaining mom that it's actually common for companies to just ghost you after sending in your resume. "These days---I said---if I get an actual rejection email it's a miracle". I wish to avoid waking up to more ghosted applications, and to a few rejections every day.

I shouldn't snap at her, I know that she asks out of love and out of genuine concern. I also know that she hasn't looked for a job in a few decades.

You know how a therapist tells you that the room is a safe space to talk? I don't feel that safety here. Many of my creative plans require me talking and I don't want her to listen. Many of the things I want to do require multiple takes and I don't wish her knowing about me in that way.


A friend texted me the other day and I told her about these things happening in my mind. She said something like "focus on something good, like the fact that you don't have to cook". Which is a fun thing to say, given that I do have to cook, or otherwise I'd feel even more useless.


I have insomnia, and I wake up at the same time every day because I'm terrified to even propose the idea of "treat yo self" days in this household. If the conversation of breakfast quickly turned into a lecture, I don't want to discuss truly important subjects here. So I write them to strangers on the internet.