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23.10.2020

 

I have to admit, I am a terrible thing. I don't say that because it means something bad, or horrible. What I mean is best expressed through a statement my mother delivered to me in my early twenties. It was her verdict that nobody would ever truly love me, for who I am, for what I am. Because I am too much. And it's not the trauma or the scarring or the bottomless pit of nightmares which I actually learned how to deal with. Twice, I went through cycles were I was helped a lot and was shown that all of my coping mechanisms are actually still very functional, and I was advised to never abandon them. They are my strength, they are the foundation. They don't cause me harm and they don't interfere with everyday life. They do save me when necessary. No, what my mother meant was the thing that always ate away at her, which she didn't have the coping mechanisms to deal with because she too, was traumatized and wounded. I love too much. I demand too much love. I am too vivid, too much alive, too deep, too raw, too emotional and too intense. You will never know this if you causally pass me by, I won't show it. If you enter my space, you will see fire.

But here's the thing. My mother got this all wrong. Just because she was incapable and overwhelmed, doesn't make me an obstacle. I was never meant to love her that way, and she was never meant to receive it. I love a lot of people, purely platonically. Even if they have left me. I don't forget them. But in my heart, behind all the defense lines and the conglomerate, all the various facets of me, the dragon, all of this. Is my heart. The child in me. Innocence. She needs to be loved, she cannot live without it. It took me 30 years to find my way back to her and I was astonished that beneath all that which I had been told was tarnished, ugly and terrifying; there was the light in the dark. In this purity is my love. It is the fire that never goes out as long as you feed it. The more you feed it, the stronger it burns. It also took me 30 years to realize that if I open the floodgates in my heart, everything will be absorbed. I was always so scared of all that flowed into me, yet I needed it. But I couldn't turn it into gold. I was blind and I was in the dark within myself; I was often vicious and my fire burnt like hell. And at some point after I turned 30, I just started feeling at ease with myself. This is my body, this is my mind, this is my heart. Everything flows in, everything flows out. I speak my mind a lot nowadays, I have little to no filter there, and it feels comfortable. I can turn the flow into gold now. The last realization is only about 4 years old. I gave birth to my child and in that moment and henceforth, I started spinning gold from my fire. My mother could never let me in, she just couldn't. My child came from me, and he flows into my heart every moment, every day. All of his love is amplified and returns a thousandfold, he feels it, I feel it. The more you feed the fire, the more it will warm you.