When travelling as a tourist in London you will probably catch the tube (or underground). If you do, you will probably get in the way of regular commuters. In order to lower the number of swear words you hear as people push past please use the following hints
- Do not smoke. The Kings Cross disaster was caused by a dropped cigarette. People have a right to be safe.
- On escalators, stand on the right. The signs are everywhere. Do not stand next to your friend on the same step. Do not put your bag beside you.
- Before joining the queue for the ticket gates, have your ticket in your hand. Do not stand there blocking the gate while you look in the bottom of your bum bag.
- Do not stop immediately after the ticket gate and look at a map. Move to one side.
- If you have bought a single ticket, and not a zone card when you exit the tube after your journey, the ticket gate will keep it. Do not stand there expecting it to come out. It's gone. It's used. Get over it, and mourn later.
- Let people off the train before boarding. You may want to get on, but they are getting off with a purpose. Get out of the way.
- If you are travelling with a rucksack or back pack take it off. You have no idea how annoying it is to be in a packed tube, with some backpacker forcing his pack into your face and not realising because he can't feel anything. Better still travel at off peak times.
- Use deodorant.
- Do not eat smelly food. Do not drink beer. Be careful with any type of hot drink.
- Turn your Walkman/CD/MP3 player down.
- Don't pick your nose.
- Do not attempt to read a broadsheet newspaper in a packed carriage.
- Do not litter on the platforms. It will be swept onto the rails and can cause delays.
- Do not leave your litter on the train. I know we have no bins down here, but thats due to the nasty habit of putting bombs into bins, practised by the IRA a while back.
- Do not play tonsil hockey with your better half, or with someone you just meet in a pub 5 minutes ago,
- Control your children. The tube is not a playground.
- Do not hold the door open.
- Mind the gap.
and most important of all
- DO NOT TALK TO ANYONE. WE DO NOT TALK IN THE TUBES.
Enjoy your stay, just don't travel in front of me, ok?