WHAT? WHAT? Knives Out? The greatest modern mystery film in the world, who stole Stone Cold's title at Backlash, is now franchising? Got picked up by Netflix? Got yourself a real Poirot in the making out of this big dumb bastard Matt LeBlanc haven't ya? Is that what you think? Well you got another thing comin I'll tell ya that. If y'all wanna party like it's Wrestlemania 38 and see me open a can o whup ass on this metacognizant sonofabitch THEN GIMMIE A HELL YEAH.

HELL YEAH

(139 minutes later)

Kept waiting for Batista to fuckin spinebuster somebody. Or powerbomb? Or do that thing where he like throttles the ropes and stomps his feet? The mom slap was the stiffest move of the night and no receipt. THE MAN'S FUCKIN CHANGED.

But yeah it's a mystery movie and shit, what did you expect? Like the first one? But with only one returning character? AGATHA FUCKING CHRISTIE like I said. But with MODERN REFERENCES and HI RESOLUTION. Better than agatha fucking christie reboots though, I guess, if we're even setting the bar that low. If you honor the past with a contemporary interpretation THEN YOU ARE A FUCKING HACK. Talking to YOU, DOCTOR OF THUGANOMICS. But a whole new gimmick on a format that's existed since Paul Heyman's grandfather Sir Arthur Conan Doyle? THAT'S FUCKIN MONEY. Wait maybe it was Paul Bearer's grandfather. MAYBE IT WAS BOTH. MYSTERY MAN FUCKED LIKE A RABBIT AND MADE THIS INDUSTRY.

But social commentary though? Like everything was a Phil Brooks shoot. No promo packages no title changes and FOR DAMN SURE EVERY CAN O WHUP ASS TIGHTLY SEALED. Who the fuck thought this would get over with the crowd? Just hadn't been the same since Vince left.

You'd expect that at least Tyler Durden would have started some heat. But he's the fuckin full of himself Tyler like on the plane and shit. Talm bout next level in pajamas. Ain't that some TNA shit. NO PANTS! NO PANTS IN HELL! He does have promo skills though, constantly talking about fucking shit up. But he's never over as a semi heel. ANTIHEROES DON'T EXIST. IT'S GOOD GUY VS BAD GUY LIKE VINCE SAID. FUCK THIS SHIT.

But yeah he invites his McDonalds Play Pen friends and the girl that he Marty Jannetty'd out to this bougie island and tells em they get to solve the mystery of his own murder. Okay a little firefly fun house but we can sell this we can sell this. But then it spirals down into all these ecological/economic/socioeconomic motives and it feels like we're sitting through an entire commercial break of political campaign ads. FINE.

But hey Dude Love is in there though that's the most underrated alter ego in the game I'm about it.

I'm not trying to spoil the finish of the match but shit gets disrupted and NOBODY GETS A STUNNER OR AN IPAD. I BLAME YOU HUNTER. DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION NOW??

If Knives Out was a 9.6 then Glass Onion is a 8.8 AND THAT'S THA BOTTOM LINE CAUSE

BRICK