Now in the white flames of burning flags we found a world worth dying for...
I was minutes away from suicide, years away from anything that even vaguely resembled truth.
It took a lot to push me to that edge, the edge of that cliff so bleak and so steep that there could be no coming back.
Inside me something ignited, a flame
but not one that produced light and warmth, rather the flame that ignites a fuse, hissing and sizzling in warning.
On the streets of Venice, the fuse was lit. Years of silent animosity and confusion turned to a self hatred so powerful I found myself literally holding the blade that would seal my fate, my hands shaking as it hovered above my forearm, ready to peel back the layers of skin and let out all that I despised about myself. Imagine that: a child, for I am still a child, with such a bright future, a letter of acceptance to a prestigious medical school in one hand and the praise of all the world in the other, throws both away to instead pick up the blade that would carve scars of dried tears on his mother's face.
On the freshly laundered sheets of an Italian hotel chain I lay face down, weeping silently, wishing for a sleep that would cure this fatigue. Self restraint found me though, as for the first time in my life I heard my father apologize and admit to his flaws. He is only human after all, I said to myself, a product of his upbringing. This held me over until a 747 flew me back to the moist tropical air of my own home.
Things weren't the same though. Every day was harder than the last and the thought of tomorrow brought no hope.
For three days I hung myself on the cross, waiting for an answer from a God that had never led me astray. For three days I wondered, "Why have you forsaken me?"
On the third, just as I thought I would never find the strength to take another breath, God sent me an angel. She came to me, in my home, uninvited and unexpected. I didn't know it at the time, but something good was happening for the first time in years - something wholesome, something real, something that was mine, and mine alone.
Weeks went by before I realized that she was indeed sent from heaven. Inside me something changed - every moment became a blessing and every day I looked at the world as though I was seeing it for the first time. She opened my eyes to a world I had never known, a world full of love and kindness and beauty.
Her very face radiated a light and warmth I had rarely felt before. Through her I found an outlet for my frustrations and a mental support for those trying times when the very walls of the world seemed to close in around me.
The day I had to say goodbye came too soon. Tearing myself away from her welcoming smile was the hardest thing I've ever had to do - harder than organic chemistry, harder than the MCAT, harder than getting that 1:06 on the 100 backtroke or facing my parents after a run-in with the police. But it had to be done, it had to end. So I ended it, and moved on with my life happy that I had at least had the opportunity to meet such a wonderful person.
Little does she know how much she changed my life, little does she know how much I still, and always will, love her.