I was astounded. Experience had taught me that reality did not unfold this way.

To begin with, it was a stormy evening. Of course it was dark, because, as I said, it was stormy. Stormy = dark. N'est-ce pas? I was tracing lazy circles in my chinese silk kimono and watching the stock market (Read: Lazily rubbing myself and watching television, trying to study for my GED), when someone knocked at the door. I made the assumption that it was a person, because doors do not knock themselves. I continued to scratch myself, and did not get up at once. It would ruin my mystique.

When I finally opened the door, there she was: wet, desperate, and just my type. Wet and desperate.

I didn't say anything. I just opened the door a little wider and leaned against the doorframe to give her a shot of the goods. She was crying a lot, but not like people in the movies, hey, you know what was a great movie? In The Bedroom. I love that movie. Tom Wilkinson and Sissy Spacek are just amazing. I hope you didn't get distracted by my referring to another art form in the middle of my story.

"I'm sorry I'm bothering you so late. My friend Pauline always said you were a nice guy. Some distant relation is going to do something bad, and I figured, hey, this guy's a loser with no job, I'll bug him." She began to lose control of her emotions, like a typical female. "Oh, my God I am such a typical female, no control over my emotions. Ya know?"

I had a big boner.

I wasn't listening, but despite all that, it finally sunk in. This girl was crazy and homeless.

"Whatever flimsy pretext you came on, you're here. Let's not waste this moment."

"Exactly! Like I said, something of tragic proportions is on its way, and I need your help."

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye, like I do when I want to seem mysterious, or when I'm striking my ninja pose. I grabbed her and pulled her to me. She was gorgeous. "I don't have any condoms." I whispered.

She won't return my calls.

Moral: I failed my GED.