I’ve been a part of Al-Anon for ten months now, and I am working my way through the twelve steps and recording my observations about them here. It helps to solidify my thinking to write it all out; it’s also nice to be able to go back and re-read previous entries, and note any changes in perspective (or, hopefully, progress that I’m making.) This daylog is about Step Five.
Step Five:Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
In Step Four we made an inventory of ourselves; Step Five is about finding behavioral or attitudinal patterns, the ‘exact nature’ of our character, including our wrongdoings, and facing them squarely and admitting them to ourselves as fact.
It is suggested that the person chosen to share the Step 4 inventory with not be one’s spouse, a family member, or the alcoholic; “we do not want to choose anyone who might be wounded by our version of events…we seek someone who will not criticize us, but who will be able to suggest to us any obvious omissions or give us insight into how the nature of our wrongs has affected us.” Many people choose their Al-Anon sponsors, a friend, a member of the clergy, or a counselor, someone who can be “a loving witness who can provide perspective on our spiritual journey.”1
Although the step lists admitting these thing in order to 1) God, 2) ourselves, and 3) another person, it’s much harder to pinpoint exactly when the first two occur, than the third. Certainly, at least on some level, we are aware as we take the inventory in Step 4 what the exact nature of our wrongs is, and given the omniscient quality in most people’s Higher Powers, God already knows. I guess there’s a difference, though, between knowing something and really letting yourself believe it, or in knowing that someone else knows, and coming out and telling them.
I chose to share with my sponsor. I knew when I asked her to be my sponsor that sooner or later, I was going to have to go through Step 5, and I knew she was the person I wanted to have with me on that journey. Listening to her and watching her in meetings, I had been struck by her humor, her wisdom and sense of perspective, and how completely comfortable she seemed to be in her own skin. She possessed at least some degree of the serenity I was seeking, and seemed to have boundless energy and empathy for those around her. I am eternally grateful to my sponsor for sharing with me her experience, strength, and hope, and most of all for the unconditional love I received from her.
The fact that the fifth step is only a single sentence seems strange to me, because the actions it contains span a considerable period of time. It’s like saying Rome was founded, became a great empire, and fell. For me, realizing and admitting the exact nature of my wrongs to anyone, perhaps especially myself or my Higher Power, is an ongoing process. The fact that I sat down one afternoon with my sponsor and went over my four page inventory was only a beginning.
I thought about and prepared for the fourth step inventory for more than a month before I actually wrote anything down. It took another month to schedule a day when my sponsor and I both had a big block of time in which to go over it. Four months later, I wrote a daylog about step four; now, another three months down the line, I’m finally getting around to chronicling Step Five. Certainly part of this time delay is simple avoidance; this is difficult stuff, and highly emotional.
Another issue is pride. I think I have more self-esteem and a stronger, more positive sense of self than the average bear, but perhaps my view of myself is not particularly balanced. Certainly, I’m still having trouble with the term character defect. (Elsewhere in the literature, they are referred to as character defenses; I find that easier to take.) I felt drained for a day or two after talking through the fifth step, and even though it was productive, and a good thing to have done, it was hard.
Okay, so this is what happened: we sat down one day last spring, my sponsor and I, and I read to her from my personal inventory, and we talked about it, and she helped me identify patterns of behavior and underlying strengths and character defects. I cried. She cried. We laughed. I took a lot of notes.
Our actual conversation, of course, is a very personal matter. For the record, though, and as a further exercise in admitting these things to myself, here are some of the highlights.
Although I pride myself on being a ‘responsible grownup’ (paying bills on time, being professional and reliable at work, voting regularly, that sort of thing), I’m not so great at knowing how to take care of myself emotionally. I have a short fuse, I react to things by taking them personally rather than taking a more matter-of-fact view, I have a tendency to focus on things rather than people, (things are less frustrating, more predictable, and easier to control), and it probably would work better for me if I could be more detached, more loving, more centered, less reactive, more secure.
(Among other things, my sponsor suggested I try to replace the word “should” with it probably would be better if, first when talking about myself, and eventually with others. I’m working on it.)
one trait at a time. I think that if I waited until I was sick of all of my shortcomings, and really ready to change my behavior and get rid of all of them at once, it would take forever. I’m sure all of my character defects haven’t even occurred to me yet.
A while back, in a meeting, someone said "My Higher Power has changed me", and I realized that I have been thinking to myself, 'I'm changing/ I have changed' without giving credit where credit was due. I'm new to this whole Higher Power thing, and all of Al-Anon for that matter, but I can tell you, I am very grateful for the changes that have occurred in my life in the past year.
step one |
step two |
step three |
step four |
step six |
step seven |
step eight