Because i have the patience of a saint, the sense of humor of a college-educated muppet, and because the like between me and kids tends to be mutual, i figured i'd try applying for a teacher's assistant position in a childcare facility (since i'm trying out just about anything these days).

Luckily, i don't have to know what the date of my last physical was - that's a Washington state requirement. But what's this "child care clearance" they're asking if i have? Do i have to be 5'3" or higher to get on this ride? Does my mom have to sign something?

The nice lady said, no, i have to be registered with the Oregon Criminal History Registry, researched, fingerprinted, and charged a fee. Or, several fees. Hmph. I can imagine this is a good idea: we don't want bad people caring for our kids. However, the first thing i saw when i turned the form over was Abuse of a Corpse I and Abuse of a Corpse II. Do they think i'm gonna give the kids corpse-cooties? Shoot.

The lists are too long to be copied here in entirety, but there's an impressive checklist on the back, and i won't tell you what moJoe's score would have been if it were treated as a purity-test. What with Coercion, Disseminating obscene material, Escape I, Contributing to Sexual Delinquency of a Minor, Reckless Driving, Sexual Penetration(!), Unlawful Paramilitary Activity, Penalty for Manufacture or DElivery of Controlled Substance within 1,000 Feet of School in Violation of a Permit (you can get a permit??), Menacing, Pointing a Firearm at Another, Sadomasochistic Abuse or Sexual Conduct in Live Show, Promoting Prostitution, Failure to Appear I and Animal Neglect, we've pretty much got all of the bad people covered. However, anyone can tell from a brief glance that i'm pure as the driven snow, so this'll just be a formality.

Those darn fingerprints, though.