Yesterday my middle sister turned 40. To celebrate we went to one of those escape rooms. The day before had not been good, and that morning I checked the time and thought to myself, there is no way I am going to be able to meet up with the rest of my family. I ran out of water, and couldn't find any strength or energy to move until I dragged myself out of bed. I took a bath, I got dressed, moving slowly since my back was still incredibly sore. The other day at work I made a list of the things I could make at home. Then I left it there. I have a notebook at work. It isn't very large, but it's dear to me. I put an Apple sticker on the front, there's a stash of my pens in a cup that nobody else touches even though I wouldn't mind if they borrowed one. Take me down to the boat by the river. I'm great about sharing things when and where I can.
The day dragged by and thoughts ran through my head. About the future, the past, the present, my mind whirled while my body was still. I tried to picture what I would do if I was a character in one off my stories, then I thought, maybe a better idea would be to write about the way that I am now. Alone, afraid, not knowing what to say or do. I have a tendency to isolate and retreat. Action solves more of my problems, but avoidance is a preferred strategy. I received some good news that I hadn't been expecting and that helped. I prayed, I cried, I made the decision to go get some water. It was cold outside, but not as cold as it had been. I drove slowly, every time I needed to press on the brakes, my back hurt. Touching me gently. There was no way I was going to make it to the escape room party. I need to come down. Somehow the time passed, I have no idea how.
At first I didn't really care for the escape room. It had an ancient Egypt theme; I've historically had trouble with locks, keys, and that kind of thing. The room was small and there were a lot of us in there. I was useless, I had very little interest in solving any of the puzzles. My attitude was bad and I knew it. Action was the key. I opened a trunk and found a sheet of paper. My sister showed me a bowl of fruit that had numbers on it. Periodically we had to check the monitor in the room for clues. There was a secret passage and that was cool. My youngest sister left to get a breath of air, claustrophobia isn't a huge problem for people in my family, but we all like a lot of wide open spaces for some reason. Someone put a lot of thought into that room, and I'm guessing that there are others like it. I had fun, more than I thought that I would, I was even able to contribute a clue to a four letter word that ended up being the combination we needed to a lock. And I won't cry out anymore.
I think too much and act too little. So it's good that I've identified this as a problem, now I need to figure out a way to do something about it. Yesterday I slipped and fell on some ice. My ankle was sore, but I had no choice other than to stand up again. A friend called and I was so happy. Like the waves on the sand. There are times when I understand things that don't make sense and have trouble with what seems logical to others. My oldest sent me a text asking if I could give her a ride home from work. I told her I might be able to, but it would depend on the party and how long that lasted. It was an opportunity to see her again, even though she was reaching out because she needed help, it made me feel warmer inside to hear from her. I broke my own rule and bought a box of chocolate covered ice cream treats. It was far too cold to be eating them, but I wondered if she would be transported back in time to the days when I picked them up for an after school treat.
I will be okay. I would like to write more about Friday, but that's going to take some time. I've found that it takes me longer than I feel that it should to go back and process what happened during a turbulent time. I have no idea how I made it through that day. All roads lead to tranquility. Sitting here, it seems surreal, but it happened. I'm torn between wanting to change, needing to change, and both needing and wanting to more fully love and accept myself for who I am - the gift giver that buys and gives to the person others have described as selfish. If it feels good and right, more often than not I go ahead. Overthinking has been a bad habit of time for as long as I have been impulsive and carefree, a paradox that confuses others as well as myself. Either I think way too much, or not nearly enough, and I can never really decide which way is a better way of life for me. I have just come to the realization that I am illogical, irrational, and either very simplistic, or more complicated than others believe.
The assignment was to write about having a good day. The truth is that all of my days are good, even the ones that don't sound like they were any fun. Good is a state of mind, and I trust that God has good things in store for me, even when I leave church early in a fit of anxiety as I did today. I was late, another no-no of mine. I practically ran out of there this morning. The next time I go to therapy I will talk to my therapist to see if she can help me with these thoughts and feelings. Perhaps it is time for a new church. I'm proud of myself today. I did not want to go, it would have been so easy to pull the covers back up over my head and avoid having to see anyone else. Time stands still as I gaze in her waters. I'm so cold today. My fingers are frozen, the sunshine is bright without being warm. But there is so much to be thankful for, and I'm going to focus on that today.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. Maybe someday I will take all of the thoughts I have scribbled in my notebook and share them here.
j