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Today I did some things I don't normally do like roast the squashes that have been sitting in my kitchen since I don't even know when. My unemployment claim is jazzed up again and I don't know why, or what I can do to fix it. I'll have to call an actual person and figure out what is going on with it and if there is any chance of my collecting anything from my previous employer. I'm so tempted to just forget the whole thing entirely because then companies who are contacted to see if I actually did the things I said I was doing like applying or interviewing will know that I was fired, but it's not like I can afford to leave money on the table. Today I learned that I should have been keeping better records of my job search. Normally I'm great at this type of thing, but I think my brain is shutting down because for one thing, this is very confusing, and for another, it's such an emotionally charged issue I forget how to think entirely. I think I need someone else to be with me when I do this, maybe I will go out and buy an emotional support pet like a goldfish since I can't have pets at the place where I live now.

Yesterday I did a lot of fear facing. I went to a small organic grocery store that's nowhere near my place. It was good to be able to a shop at a place where I felt like they had a larger selection of foods that I can have. It was cozy, the sun was shining, even if it was a drive, I enjoy driving and I was so happy to see fruits, vegetables, and meats that seemed fresher and more vibrant than the ones I see at stores that feature more conventional items. I'm so tired, I could really use a nap, but I'm glad that I made myself come to the library and deal with some of these things that I've been putting off for far too long. I really need a better way to track my paperwork projects. I set important papers down and then they are never heard from or seen again. I'm angry that I left my 1 - 31 sorter at the place where I used to work. It feels as if I could really use that to keep me on track, it would also keep my papers in order, and then everything I need would be in one place until the issues are resolved or I can cross them off my list for another reason. 

Last night I was texting that guy I met on Tinder. I was talking about the whole job search and whether or not I should accept the position(s) I've been offered. He said he wasn't too sure where he was at as far as his career goes. I asked him about that, he had made a reference to being stressed out at work earlier. He has a job that pays well, but he doesn't like it and I think it's just a matter of it not being a good fit for his skill set. He works for a large government agency so there is a lot of red tape and pointless checklists that prevent actual work from getting done. My mom and sister are both involved in this type of thing and I rarely have to deal with it myself, but have problems when I do (witness problems with my stupid unemployment claim) so I can't imagine what he's going through on a daily basis. I think he's burned out, stressed out, lacks meaningful work, knows he has a 'good' job with great benefits, and tries to tell himself that he should be more grateful for the blessings he has rather than upset that he feels like he isn't doing a very good job. I don't know if that's actually true, or he's just being hard on himself, or it's a little of both perhaps. Anyways, I feel bad for him.

I feel better than I did before I wrote this. Sometimes I just need to sit down and get things out. Still nervous and stressed, but better.

All my love,

J

P.S. Some day soon I will look back on how I let fear and anxiety rule my life and wonder why I didn't do some of these things that I knew would lead me closer to where I want to be going.

P.P.S. I just accepted the job. I'm so incredibly nervous, but I'm also very excited too. God is good. He wouldn't be putting opportunities in my path if he didn't want me to learn and grow from these experiences. 

Xoxo, 

j