display | more...

I don't know why I didn't anticipate this day. Looking back I wish I would have gone to therapy and kept going even when I thought I didn't have the money. I wish I would have done a lot of the things I didn't do because I didn't have the money. Now I really don't have the money so I'm having to start over at age forty. It's not the worst thing in the world. I have skills that make me employable and an asset, it's hard to think of them right now. Last night the girls and I dropped my niece off with my sister. We had supper over there and when I came home there was paperwork for me to sign sitting on my computer. There are two women I know who would take their husbands back. One is a nurse I met when my second daughter was born, the other is a retired dancer who teaches classes in a town not far from here. When I talked to these women about the men who had left them, an alcoholic and a cheater, I thought to myself, my gosh these women are stupid. They're so much better off without these guys, can't they see that? Now that I'm in a similar situation I can more easily identify with these women. It's like I know the situation is bad, but there's something about the bad situation that I think I can fix. It doesn't work that way unfortunately.

Yesterday my daughter's therapist told me that she and Jill had something to talk to me about. I sat on the edge of my chair, nervously awaiting the news. I started crying when she said that my daughter wanted me to spend more time with her. When the therapist asked why I was crying, I had difficulty articulating what had prompted the tears. Hearing that my daughter wanted more time with me was a shock of sorts in the very best kind of way something can be shocking I suppose. I regretted the time I had spent on the computer and the times I had laid in my bed wishing I didn't ever have to get out of it. I'm going to see my therapist today, the thought fills me with a lot of anxiety, and I'm sure that staying up late the night before didn't help anything. Last night my sister gave me some clothes. I'm washing it in my new washer and drying it in my new dryer. While I was downstairs I was thinking about the house and the condo and I asked myself what I would do with these properties if either of them were mine. I decided that I would sell them both and take whatever losses the market gave me just so I could get rid of the debt. I would find a new place to stay and start fresh there. The house and the condo aren't so bad, but they aren't so good either and I can see unfinished tasks stretching out into oblivion, and that really brings people down in a way that they don't always realize until they're out of that environment. Just because people can live with something doesn't always mean that they should.

Even though I've dealt with a lot of things that needed my attention, I still have an unenviably large pile to conquer. My book suggests breaking things down into smaller pieces. My youngest wants a clothes storage system like her sister has and I'm thinking of buying one for him and myself since I think this will help us plan out an upcoming week. I still think of the money as ours only it's really his and he's just letting me use some of it. I need to get a job. People have been telling me that and I know that it's true. I can work hard and I can get a good job. I could go back to school, and I might, but I think that I need a job first. Years ago we went to a therapist that I really didn't care for, but I think he liked her if I remember correctly. There was an appointment that he didn't show up for, maybe he couldn't make it for some reason. She told me that he was about twenty-five percent there and I should just pretend as if he wasn't even in the picture and treat anything he did do like gravy or icing on my cake. He's very intelligent and very talented, but he isn't very good about prioritizing. He does what he wants to do, another therapist told me that, I knew that, but hearing it from someone else shed new light on the situation. A therapist that we went to when we were first having problems told us that I was jumping up and down to get his attention while he was trying to brush me off. My mom did and does that which is where I learned that. I stopped doing it as much, but it's still a habit I need to break.

When I was talking to my daughter and her therapist I was grateful that my daughter still wants me in her life. When we announced that we were getting divorced I was afraid that the girls wouldn't want me in their lives anymore. I just love my daughter's therapist. She gets things and I know she's really helping Jill even if Jill is more matter of fact about having to go to therapy. Her therapist said that I was breaking the cycle of mothers ignoring their daughters. I told Jill and my therapist that I was forty and still wanted my mom to spend time with me. I used to invite my mom out to lunch or ask if she wanted to go shopping. She would tell me she didn't like lunch and shopping. She always wants to do things that she wants to do and that's hard on the rest of us. My youngest sister tries so hard to have a better relationship with my mom. One Christmas my mom was trying to get me and my next youngest sister to go shopping with her. We know what a shopping trip with her entails and neither of us wants to hear her criticism or deal with her impatience in stores. My mom has a lot of anxiety and nervous energy. I'm sure she would say that she's just capable and competent and energetic. Those things are true, but they are not the whole truth. Calm people can sit through and endure things that they would rather not be a part of at the time. 

I'm trying not to be down, but I'm very sad today. Things are more orderly around here. I'm dreading having to spend next week at the condo, but maybe it won't be quite as bad as I think it will be. I'm planning some things in my head for the girls and I to do when I have them again. I'm thankful that I'm able to stay at home every other week, and I'm going to do my best to make sure that he's inconvenienced by my being here as little as possible. It's funny, but I still love him and want good things for him. I hope it does work out with someone else and he is happier than he was with me. Lying to others is not okay so I hope he sees that as an issue he needs to work on and I hope he learns to make the distinction between telling someone an outright lie and omitting information which can also be a lie. I put out fruit for the girls. I got more sleep last night and can take a nap later on today. I need to get out and go for a walk and I'm having a hard time motivating myself since my heel hurts and the weather outside is dripping and rainy. Last year we didn't get much rain. This year we've had too much of it. But it could be much worse than it is so I have to remember that. The house is coming together organizationally so it will be easier to maintain when I am gone. I have people who love and support me and that's really what life is about for the most part; helping others in need and getting help when it is needed.