display | more...

Yesterday was a confusing and less productive day than I had hoped it would be. I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish, ignoring the suggestion from my book that says to limit action items to three or four. I got the time for therapy wrong so I arrived an hour early. After leaving my therapist sent me a text asking if I could reschedule for later in the day. I waited around for her to get back to me and decided she had forgotten about me after several hours passed without hearing from her. I bought the girls and myself vertical clothes storage for the closet, had them bring their clothes in my room and started going through it. We found that they both need shorts, my youngest could use a couple of shirts, and they both need some basic bras and underwear. We get a lot of hand me downs from my sister which is great, but a neon pink Hello Kitty bra only goes with so many tops. I didn't plan the shopping trip out very well so it didn't go as smoothly as it could have. I bought two pairs of shorts for myself and decided that I have got to start losing weight and getting back into shape. Being fat has become a part of my life, I've become resigned to the fact that I get breathless going up stairs and never really feel comfortable in any of the clothes I own.

Today I am filled with self doubt and loathing. I feel stuck in an endless cycle of bad habits and ineffective counter measures. There's a part of me that knows that I am making strides and doing some things that I have to, but right now it doesn't feel like any of that matters even if it really does. I feel as if I shouldn't have gone out shopping last night even though I didn't own any summer clothes before last night. I'm telling myself that I could have gone to the thrift store first instead of hitting the outlet mall. I'm regretting the tops I bought for the girls and thinking that we could have found a better deal elsewhere or gotten by without them. But then another part of me says that most of the time we get clothes from my sister for free, my in-laws bought my daughter her Alaska shirt and I bought the cute little tee that the girls were fighting over at Goodwill for three dollars. I would like to be able to do something and not second guess myself so often. Either go to the mall and be fine with the money spent, or plan an alternative outing and be fine with that. Part of the problem is I was tired, hungry, and stressed when I was shopping. I've had the girls by myself since last Friday evening except for the few hours when he took them on Sunday and I need a break from them and for myself. 

While I was at the bank asking about how our accounts would be affected by the divorce the teller told me that she was sorry for the circumstances. I really like going to my bank since the people there are almost always so nice to me. We chatted for a minute or two, she knows the girls so she asked about them and then she did something very unexpected. She asked if she could give me a hug. I had arrived at the bank during a very busy time so her taking a minute to give me a big hug was really touching. She told me that her parents had gotten divorced and it was both an awful and good thing. She told me to let them know if there was anything I needed, gave me her card, and I know it wasn't to try and sell me on any new financial products. My therapist thinks I should talk to an attorney. My sister who works for the county says that I can, but it probably won't be a wise move because then the attorney gets more of the money than the girls and I do. I'm entitled to half of his business and I know I won't get it and a lot of other things. Years ago I was sent to a law firm who needed some computer help. That was my job at the time and I felt very unqualified there. Money really can't make up for the pain and suffering regardless of what legal experts say or do. I would get more money, but he would come back with an attorney of his own.

I'm just really frustrated that I let things go on like this for as long as I did. There were things that I could have been doing that I didn't and things that I didn't need to do that I invested in when that wasn't the smartest decision either. I'm apprehensive about next week. Since he went public with his girlfriend he's not spent much time with the girls. The other night he could have come over, but he said it was late. That wouldn't have been an issue in the past. My therapist said that the girls could share a therapist and I could talk to her about booking back to back appointments where they would each get half an hour of time. This will save me some money and extend our therapy dollars, my therapist has been just wonderful. I can't thank God enough for putting her into my life. I know she's trying to get me to really feel the emotions I'm repressing. I have to write him another letter, that's another thing I'm dreading, but I know I will feel better when it's finished. The girls are sitting on the couch reading. They were up until almost eleven last night and that was frustrating as well. I gave away a lot of the power I had because I didn't understand how it worked. I let him undermine me and my role as a mother and that wasn't good either.

Fortunately there are silver linings to this cloud. Things are really running much more smoothly at home even though it still feels very chaotic and unstable. Once we get this clothes situation squared away we can give away or donate the clothes that the girls no longer fit into or want. They have a couple cute outfits that they chose for summer and it was fun to go shopping with them and have that time to see them viewing what they chose critically in the mirror. I can't remember ever getting as much clothes as the girls did last night at one time when I was a kid regardless of how I had grown so it makes me feel good to be able to do that kind of thing for them. In retrospect I wish we would have eaten first, or at the very least packed a snack, but we didn't so I can remember that for next time. Having the vertical storage in the closet frees up room in their dresser. I'm hoping that this system actually works and I'll be frustrated if it doesn't, however I have to try things to see how they're going to work in real life and I'm glad that I spent the time and money I did to do this for them. My youngest daughter's glasses broke last night. She asked her sister to take them off of her face when she was in the bath and the arm broke off so that was another disappointment and will mean a trip in to the eye doctor later on today.

I'm really looking forward to a week off next week even if I have to spend it at the condo. The flooring is going in which means we are one step closer to painting over there and I know that will make a tremendous difference. The drywall and tile guy is coming over the second week of June and my sister and mom have told me that they will help me paint in the kitchen. My friend at the bank told me that her sister and her sister-in-law went through the dental assisting program that I'm thinking about enrolling in, my therapist thinks I should take some time off before I start the job hunt and I agree that I need to get in to the doctor and a psychiatrist to see if I have some sort of issue there, but I could start taking the classes and I think just having a place to go every Saturday and learning something new will help. I'm a little worried that I'll get into it, go through the classes and end up with a job I don't really like, however I could get any job and end up not liking it. I crave stimulation as most jobs bore me after a while. I'm smart and I figure things out quickly so maybe I get a job and some hobbies that occupy more of the rest of my time. I still love to write although I've taken a break from fiction and I can really tell by how restless I am. Right now the floors need sweeping and the counters need clearing, but it's not as bad as it's been in the past. A couple hours of work and I can take the rest of the day off. At least I have kids who are independent and understand that sometimes mom just needs a nap.