Just typed 1017 instead of 2017 which is indicative of how my day is going. I woke up very early, around four or so, but I laid in bed for a while because I wanted to fall back to sleep and I wanted the girls to be able to sleep. I don't remember being the type of teenager who could sleep late in the morning. Maybe it was because I almost always had to work. One morning in particular I remember clearly, my mom was vacuuming at what seemed like an ungodly hour. I wonder how much of what I do now as a parent is influenced by things I experienced as a child and whether that's good, bad, or just the way that it is.
Today I am sad. Behind the anger, the fury, the rage, the surges of white heat, I'm sad. Part of it is a sadness for myself, another part is sad for him, for my boss, for my children, for a woman I work with, I once read that anger masks a deeper sadness. I have a lot of regrets, but overall I'm glad I was able to go through the hard part of starting to unpack things that I feel. I wanted to go for a walk and didn't. I went shopping with the girls and offered to pay for some of their clothes today if they wanted an early Christmas gift. Both of them declined and my feelings were irrationally hurt.
Despite this feeling, I think it's good that I'm not trying to supress it. I'm just letting myself be sad and wondering why I am. I have some superficial answers, but not the ones I crave. Maybe there aren't really answers and I'm just hoping they are. This isn't a test I'm going to fail or anything. I can figure out that not getting enough sleep, being disappointed with the way things are at home, and having some drama at work may contribute to a low mood, especially after getting sick on a holiday when you were expecting to dodge that bullet.
A couple people have reached out to me about my numbered list poetry. I don't owe anyone explanations, but I will offer one because I'm in the mood. I like the lists. Something about the numbers appeals to me and works for me. There was a point, years ago, when I craved feedback of any kind on what I wrote here. Those days are long gone. I will never please everyone and I don't even try anymore. I write what I went when I want to because I'm a member here and that's as far as it goes. I don't feel bad about this because it's an area of my life where I am being assertive and true to myself. I have no idea why the numbers are striking a chord with people and don't care.
Believe it or not there are a lot of things I don't like here. I've seen and experienced an awful lot in the almost ten years of membership here. I've gotten the rare apology and issued some of my own. I have read things that I would have nuked and I happen to intensely dislike some of the formatting I have stumbled across. E2 on the whole does a poor job of nurturing writers. I have seen people grow and know that I have grown myself. There are people here whose works I will never read because I'm familiar with what they post and want no part of that.
I try to be courteous and positive, I try to refrain from attacking others personally whether in public or private, but I'm not a door mat either. I view this place as a collection of experts and emotions. You can find definitive material here you won't find elsewhere and there's enough happiness and heartbreak to round out the emotional component. There's a balance and I think there's a tendency to look down on one, the other, or even both if you don't care for someone. I would abolish the archaic voting system and keep the C! which is the only recognition that matters since it exposes a work to more people. But that's just my two cents and doubtless there are others who disagree.
Today I feel wounded and frosty, like something left outside for too long that was inadvertently injured. My heart feels on display and I don't like that either. I have more questions than answers and the answers I have and needed are ones I'm not loving. These are just my feelings, I can handle rejection and understand it, this is not high school or a popularity contest. I'm here to work and maybe a part of me is slightly embarrassed that I wrote so many daylogs instead of something more educational or informative, but this is also a personal journey of introspection and exploration and it's taken me this long to start figuring out how I feel. Maybe I seem aloof at times, but I've been hurt and that has made me more cautious.
Until next time,
Jess
P.S. I just hate this awful sort of empty and hollow feeling, being sort of sad isn't particularly fabulous either, but at least I'm confronting and admitting this instead of trying to run and hide from it. A friend of mine was going to try and get together with us, the people in the cafe were funny and I got to see Linda with the girls. Nothing bad happened, I'm just in a mild funk and could probably really use a good long nap and a cleaning lady to come over and clean up the place. Maybe she could make some warm nurturing meals while she's at it as well. I could use a homey hearty meal. Also, I have tried doing the poetry without the numbers and it just doesn't work for me. Sorry.