Yesterday I was by myself for the end of my shift. Nobody came in and I was relieved. I don't feel as if I really know what I am doing at work. I feel like I am being set up for failure rather than success and I'm not really sure what to do about it, if anything. Earlier I read something interesting about empathy. At a past time I thought I needed to work on becoming more empathetic. I focused on understanding emotional states and tried to really cue in on what I sensed that others might be feeling. Today I read something that the Radical Candor book addresses, ruinous empathy. In this case, the person being ruined, is me. I can sense when others are displeased, perhaps to an uncanny extent. Sometimes I feel obligated to try and placate them, and there are times when I do things that I need to apologize for, but there are also times when I'm putting others ahead of myself in a way that helps nobody.
I've been really sad lately. It was helpful to have a friend over, she's going to come back and better circumstances will emerge, but that isn't going to address the deeper state. I almost never feel good about the future even though I would describe myself as a mostly positive and optimistic person. Having an outlook that is sunny helps, but it doesn't counter the dread and terror that goes with me throughout my day. I can't seem to figure out how to deal with the anxiety and it's a major problem that I need to address. I also want to work on building my self esteem. I read an interesting piece about self sabotage, and I'm trying to integrate those concepts into a healthier life for me and others. There are a lot of great things about my life, but it could be so much better if I would just do the things I need to do when they need to be done.
At my last job I liked the actual work and did not get along with the people. Here I like the people, but don't care for the actual job. This is distressing even though I'm largely better off than I was previously. I can't stop thinking about what will happen when my oldest turns eighteen and her sister decides she no longer wants to stay with me. Part of me thinks that I need to take a break from raising children and let them both go stay with their father. These relationships are not healthy and I really don't know what more I can do other than keep on doing what I have been. I'm investing too much and they're taking advantage of me. I was raised to be a people pleaser and it's gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years. I spend so much time trying to figure out how to avoid making others angry or upset that it takes a tremendous toll on me.
Last night a woman and her sister came in, I felt like she was flirting with the guy I was working with and I didn't really care, but I found it interesting. She ended up having to stay after he left. I learned more about her job and circumstances, and I found myself becoming increasingly envious of her. On one hand, I don't really want to be her, but I want some of the things she has. Comparing yourself to another is typically harmful and futile, but I like to be honest with myself about when I do it and what I learn from these experiences. I know that many whose lives seem to be together are also struggling with things I know nothing about, but there are ways to improve myself, even if it's just accepting that I'm at a different place, and there's nothing inherently wrong with someone who has had a lot of jobs.
Maybe it is nothing more than completely letting go of these ideals and the idea that I am somehow a failure in many areas of life. That's what it feels like. I don't want to go places, but I do need to get out more. I'm frustrated, upset, angry, sad, anxious, emotional, sensitive, and not being as assertive as I need to be. My children can be doing more and I need to create a structured routine that clearly indicates what needs to get done by when and what the consequences are if these things are not done. I'm so exhausted by everyday life that it seems as if even the smallest of things requires enormous effort and I don't force myself to just power through and get it done. Then these things hang over me like ghosts that I can't put to rest. I am frequently impatient, especially with myself, but I can see how even a tiny bit more effort in certain areas would give me a better life, one that is closer to the one I need. I guess that is a place to start.
Xoxo,
J
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I started going back through recent messages other users have sent. It's touching to have people who care and comments about things I've written. I don't hear that kind of feedback anywhere else so I really value and cherish it here.
Much love,
j