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+ Thursday. Heather is something cunts buy tickets and stand in line to feel sorry for. Kyle is a bastard asshole. I accidentally out Will Smith to his mom re his creative writing attempts. She yells at him in front of everyone for not trusting her enough to share his poetry with her. He gives me one baffled, stricken look and then she has dragged him outside. I forgive him for trying to touch my breast. Ivan is a bastard asshole too.
After work, Gladiator. Forty-five minutes in, I realize how badly I want to leave. This movie is not good for me. It is all bad imagery. Dying killing dying killing and the honor bit doesn't register with me. This movie is making my head worse. I don't mean that watching simulated death makes me immoral. But letting endless destruction in is not a good idea. I don't want anything unrealistic for myself, I don't mean for my life to go all Precious Moments but my gut is telling me to get out and I am telling my gut to shut up and take it.
This film was grisly and I knew it was going to keep being grisly and I knew there would be no hope in it. For public appearances, I stayed. Why the fuck? For two people whose opinions I don't care about, and one who would have understood, later, had I left.
After the movie it is "meeting a lot of people you instantly hate" time. It's over in five minutes but I hate it a lot. I am surrounded by boys whose game it is to be loud and girls who wield the bravery of short skirts and no bras.
Maybe some of them would be surprised to know I cry all the way home. It's from my shitty kids, and my headache from sitting too close to whirling dusty death for two and a half hours, and because I hate myself for slipping into the easy role of "girl who stands quietly to the side, not being introduced," but mostly I cry becuae I am so sick of failing to listen to what I need.
None of you here know how shy I can be or how stupid and out of place and stupid and stupid I can feel.
I scribble notes all the way home so I won't lose any of how rotten I feel. My notebook is in my passenger seat and that's the way I like it.