In the middle of the night I woke up suddenly, feeling lost, trying to recapture the warmth I’d been feeling in a dream. Trying to remember what I’d been dreaming at all. And then in a flashback his lips were there -- the lovely kind of intimacy I’d been longing for. Soft kisses. First kisses. His body making me warm and close.
Gone.
I had an idea of sleeping forever, because these dreams are so much more than I have all my waking hours, when I pass half-sleeping moments fantasizing of a vacation from being alone.
I fell back into dreams like nightmares where he was close but turned into someone else as soon as I could touch him. The kind of someone else that you sleep with and then only feel more and more and more alone. He came to visit and spoke to me and m roommate asking us if we could set him up with anybody, or if we knew anyone who might be willing to wait for him.
I’ve been waiting. I’ve been waiting so long and for no good reason other than my own discouragement.
When I said goodbye last night he had the same kind of a look in his eye he had the time he kissed me. He had that same look in his eye ten minutes after telling me she was coming to visit on Thursday.
The strange dichotomy of lovely dreams I could live with forever,
mixed with nightmares that haunt me all day.