"I don't know how I feel about that."
-
iocane
I suppose I never truly thought I was alone with these feelings. Surely, somewhere, I knew some other guy had knocked up a girl he thought he loved at the time. Had maybe even thought of marriage with. Had daydreamed of life together with.
But when the pregnancy test comes back positive - the relationship goes haywire.
"Do I really love her?"
"Does she really love me?"
She called me that evening and told me she got the results of her test. "Positive" she sounded defeated. My stomach rolled into a granny knot. "What should we do?" she sounded totally lost - as if whatever I answered would be the correct answer. "I'll call the clinic" I responded. We never even said the word abortion. It was automatic. I honestly don't think either one of us could have been talked out of it anyway. There were issues with her family. Issues with my family. College to finish. A place to live. Too much to deal with.
"How the hell could this have happened??!" I screamed at God. I knew the answer.
The day came. My experience mirrored nearly everything written by iocane above. Empty. Scared. Lost.
It took us days before we could speak of it, the incident, that is. We grew apart. Within a year we were just going through the motions. We ended the relationship mutually.
Today I've been married to my beautiful wife for nearly 10 years and I have a wonderful eight year old daughter. My wife knows about everything. I sobbed the story to her about four years ago on a night when I had had a few drinks. I even showed her poem I wrote that had gotten me through it.
I'll never forget what happened. "I don't know how I feel about that".
Daddy - for a moment.
You think you see the morning rain
but what you see are the tears of Daddy's pain
I see your face in every child
the sunrise, trees and flowers wild
although I was not the one who carried you
nor the one whose body was the home you knew
I thought about you every day and night
and about the will you had to fight
to be the person you were meant to be
but, I went and took it away, you see
A life cut short before its prime
like grains that pass in the sands of time
never a chance to run and play
never to see a dawning day
never to giggle over love's first kiss
and all because of Daddy's selfishness
my precious angel from heaven sent
always remember Daddy - for a moment.