mail-order formal date (idea)

So you've got a formal or other fancy occasion and you need a date. Now you aren't about to settle and getting that special date is probably going to take some work. Chances are you currently don't know this person too well and in order for this person to say yes you've got to distinguish yourself in some way before you pop the question.

So you use the most deviant means you can think of to make this person hate you a little less. You wine them you dine them, you impress them with your sensitivity, your sense of humor, your refreshing or at least interesting outlook on life.

T -7 days, you've invested the time getting to know them, you think they might not hate you anymore and might even tolerate you for just one more evening. You pop the question.........

Now you're one unlucky son of a bitch so two things can happen:

• They really do hate you and say no
• They don't hate you but have a prior commitment like a shuttle mission, or are performing open heart surgery. This is what you get for setting your sights so high... you got someone with a life... a life that doesn't completely revolve around you. Darn.

What are you gonna do now? You've already bought the ticket to the fancy event. You don't want to go alone. <INSERT mail-order formal date here>

For a reasonable price you get

• Someone that's good looking (hopefully... those catalogs can be deceiving)
• Someone interesting... (accents always make people sound interesting)
• Plus it's harder for them to say something idiotic if no one speaks their language, advantage you.