At work, I'm mostly gambling, betting on my own ability to launch my super-powers as soon as they're needed. This sounds psychotic, but isn't -- my "super-powers" are being able to work consistently in an intellectually demanding job that's in principle compatible with my skills and abilities. It's just that I'm afraid of creeping inertia, executive dysfunction (I hate doing this, therefore I'm literally incapable of doing it) and the deer-in-the-headlights effect of getting a huge information transfer in a short time. I can handle pretty hard analytical stuff but I'm ADD enough I can't speak in paragraph-long sentences because I start to forget the beginning of what I was saying.
At home, I'm avoiding stress. "Stress" being "getting excited and hyper about some personal project". The thing is that I have a kind of rapid cycling that begins with a quick onset of mania that gradually decays into a manageable form of hypomania (as I act swiftly to stop the madness) and suddenly crashes into mixed state if I push too hard -- if, or rather when, the manic impulse gets the better of me. I'm not even trying to see if the film scanner is working one more time before declaring it stevejobbed. (It's not an apple product, it's just my new term for "once great, now dead"). I'm also trying to diminish the effect of daylight saving time over my light input, partially closing the blinds when I get home and it's still very bright outside. I don't know if getting light very early when I resume surfing lessons this thursday will fuck things up again.
I'm getting kind of compulsive about the forum, replying even when I have nothing to add besides "Hang in there, dude. It's hard, I've been there". I'm measuring my words and trying hard to avoid speculation/acting like a MD. My old pdoc joked that I could take his place once in a while because I had gotten so good at DXing people from their case stories. (We did this as a strange exercise in self-awareness and finding out about symptoms I might have but not know that are symptoms; stories were not attached to names. Probably unethical as fuck but I learned a lot).
Can't sleep again. What's that Marilyn Manson song that goes "ROCK STAR yeah (I'm such a dirty dirty)"?