1) Camp outside their home's doorstep for a week and each morning greet them with
a biscuit from McDonald's while saying, "You gonna hire me? Huh? Huh? Are
2) Threatening to assassinate their kids at their family holiday if they don't
3) Telling them that you don't care about the job, you just want to take the
money and run to Acupulco with their daughter- "It's an investment in
4) Tell them that you're willing to hack into their competitors' websites and
deface them- with nude images of Earnest Borgnine as an extra added bonus.
5) Tell them that you prefer to work alone and that if they hear a sound that
reminds them of someone getting their lips stuck in a floppy drive to ignore
it and go on business as usual- you're just letting your computer know how you
6) Offer to come to work sober *at least* once a week.
7) Insist on kissing their hands and bowing a lot while calling them "Your
8) Pretend you've got PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and scream out,
"We're gonna get every last one o' the bastards, cap'n, I swear! Hooyah!"
when they ask if you work well in team environments.
9) Insist on telecommuting... and telling them what you plan to wear each
day of the week while at home (include skimpy underwear).
10) Stutter a lot and berate yourself every five minutes, even if you're doing
fine during the interview process- make them wonder.
11) At the end of the meeting whip "it" out and piddle on their carpet-
then offer to shake their hand goodbye and tell them that you hope you get the
12) Make it clear that you CAN do web
design, citing all the porn sites you've done work for- including that Neo-Nazi
site that didn't quite take off because of "internal problems" that
had nothing to do with you and a certain guy named "Sarge."