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The ABC's of Driving in Miami

Always drive offensively. Yours is the only car on the road. Everything else is an obstacle for you to avoid.
Be sure your stereo is loud enough for everyone else to hear.
Cellular phones are illegal without headphones while driving. But don’t worry, it’s not enforced.
Drunk driving is bad. Try not to do it.
Everyone is out to get you. Really.
Four-way stop sign intersections work like this: it’s your turn to go whenever you get to the intersection. If you don’t know what to do, just sit there until the person behind you honks. If you are impatient, feel free to cut in line and tail the car in front of you on its turn.
Go as fast as you want. Speed limits are just suggestions.
Honk at will. Honk when you want people to come out of their homes and into your vehicle. Honk as soon as the light turns green. Honk if someone’s taking too long to get out of the parking space that you want.
Insurance is recommended, but if you can’t afford it, don’t get any and try not to hit anyone.
Jaywalkers are breaking the law anyhow.
Keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel.
Lanes are there for you to sample as you wish. Try them all. If you need to straddle two lanes, go right ahead. Pass in the right lane if it’s more convenient for you. If you need to use the left-turn lane to pass the car in the left lane, just make sure you’re going really fast when you do it.
Maybe stop signs are optional.
Nudge out into the side street when you are trying to cross the road or enter traffic. Go far enough that the cars in the right lane need to swerve around you.
Open your door into the side of the car parked next to you. It’s okay, everyone else does.
Parallel park however you want. It doesn’t matter whether your car is facing the same way as the direction of traffic. If there’s a space on the other side of the road, just cross on over and slip right in. Don’t bother turning around – you won’t get a ticket because it’s not illegal.
Quick! Get to the red light before anyone else!
Rain means drive really, really slowly, except through puddles.
Signals are optional.
Traffic light colors decoded: green means go, yellow means hurry up and go, and red means two more cars can go and everyone else has to stop.
Use your seatbelt. It’s the law. But it’s not enforced.
Vanity plates promote freedom of expression. How about a nice bright yellow one that says "Choose Life"? (There’s no pro-choice plate, but there is a "Support Education" one. Just don’t support sex education.)
Wealth, whether ill-begotten or not, should be flaunted as much as possible, so try to find the biggest SUV from Germany they’re making this year. Get it in black. Get the windows tinted darker than is legally permissable. Get a bigger black SUV next year.
Xplorer, Xpedition, Xcursion – XSive Xploitation of resources and Xtreme consumerism are Xemplified in Miami. Jump on in.
You don’t need to know how to drive to get a license. Lots of people in Miami come from a country where most of the populace rides bicycles and most of the cars date back to the 1950s. Many others come from countries where there are no paved roads or traffic signals.
Zig-zag around other cars as much as possible. They are in your way, and you need to get where you’re going as fast as you can.

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