Driving in South Florida
Fri Mar 14 2003 at 4:10:28
There are no rules.
made the observation that in
, drivers follow the rules of their respective countries of origin. If you come from a place where people always use their
s for changing lanes and keep at the
, you'll be quite surprised the first time you come to South Florida and see twenty-year-old Chevrolets with seven passengers doing figure-eights on the
at 90 miles an hour. You'll get used to it, hopefully.
Rush hour will kill you... probably from old age.
It's usually best not to get on any
s between 8 and 9 AM, and if you try to use
during this period, you deserve all the fumes and
s you get from the experience. Checking radio traffic reports for accidents is a
waste of time
, because there is always at least one accident on every freeway every morning. Your best bet is to keep off the highways until 9:30 or so.
Old age rules from November to March.
Come during the
, and you'll quickly be surrounded by four-foot
lookalikes (who couldn't see the signature line on their driver's licenses) driving
s at two miles an hour down the left lane of
, keeping careful formation to ensure that nobody on the freeway can exceed the average land speed of a
s come in useful here.
Though the light tells you to, it's not best to stop.
originally said this about
the slums of LA
, but the same rule applies to all streets in Miami proper more than seven blocks away from the city center, and especially to
, and the other
s antitheses to
. If you see a red light, look around to make sure nobody's coming, then
. Pretend it's a stop sign, pretend you're being chased, and you should come out alive.
If you have an out-of-state license plate, a firearm is a good idea.
A few years ago
were being shot in Miami while driving their
s with out-of-state plates. This isn't a major problem nowadays, but I still recommend you have a weapon in case someone like me sees you on the road and assumes you're a doddering 70-year-old based on your
s in Miami, and they can sneak up on you. If you don't smoke, throw a few
s in the
. If you do smoke, be sure to
wash your hands
? Ha! Ha-ha!
Don't attempt to drive here. Please.
You're wasting your time and mine
. Once you're about a mile away from the club district, it's far more productive to just park and finish your journey on a
When the first
falls, be prepared to
Nobody in South Florida can drive in the rain. They all slow down to five miles an hour, turn on their
s, and clam up. They will
you off, and you will curse at them. Don't worry: it's fun, and it's good
. Respect the HOV.
The HOV is the left lane on I-95, denoted by a
. It's for cars with two or more people. If you drive in it during
, and you're the only person in the car, a
will pull you over and give you a
. Some people have attempted to outwit the piggies by putting
s in their cars, but
the piggies have gotten smarter
, bless their cold widdle hearts.
Be prepared for anything.
Miami today is what
New York City
was ten years ago. Anything goes, and nobody's mature enough to restrain themselves properly.
, and you won't get
rear-ended for insurance purposes
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