Consulting my field guide, I see that what we are dealing with here is a North American Droolmonkey. Yes, this must be the one. See, you can tell by her primary form of defense: a lightning quick snatching of the nearest convenient object, which she then brings immediately to her mouth despite the fact that her only method of chewing seems to be based on the two small -- oh, but definitely razor sharp -- teeth barely emerging from her lower gums. Oh, beware the droolmonkey, for she will sucker you in with her two large and obnoxiously beautiful eyes, blue at the edges and then bluer as you go in and bluer still and just as you are about to reach the pupils, stop stop! there is no way anyone could expect to not get pulled in by the azure of these wide and anxious eyes. Yes, this is definitely a dangerous creature, thankfully immobile. We must count our blessings out here in the wilderness.

Yes, yes, it is evident that we are dealing with a Western Nevada Smilermonkey. Playful in nature, this is a creature of merriment, and it is safe to be left alone with this one. Make sure you have a contained and plush environment for this one to be in: this fascinating specimen is very perceptive to changes in other animals' attention and, while it lacks the upper body strength to throw its toys at you, it will likely make a shrill noise until you turn toward it, open your eyes and mouth in an ecstatic smile (which she will emulate) and then chant to her zuuuu, zuu zuu, zu zuu zu zuu zu zuu zuu. Many scientists in our revered field are sure this is an ancient practice, passed down from monkey to monkey, and is genetically programmed to soothe a youthful specimen.

Indeed, what we are dealing with here is most likely a Greater Desert Cryermonkey, so named for its affinity to remaining the calmest of monkeys at one moment and then the loudest the next. Should you encounter this specimen, take care to identify its exact breed. Oftentimes it is just a Tiredmonkey, in which case it should be taken expressly and without delay to the nearest dark room, sung to, kissed (ever so lightly) on the forehead, and left to slumber; however, it is also possible that you may be in the presence of the dreaded Poopmonkey, which will not only continue emitting an earpiercing shriek until its diaper is changed, but also has the curious habit of staying perfectly still until said diaper is removed, at which point the Poopmonkey will most assuredly exhibit the traits of a Northern Hemisphere Squirmymonkey, a restless beast that, much like the common shark, must move continually to stay alive. We wish you the best of luck in dealing with this deadly and fascinating specimen.

Gloriously, we are getting a rare peek at the Eastern Sparks Crawlermonkey. Notice the parents of this enchanting primate run around with a peculiar mixture of joy and exasperation as they perform the ancient and much revered Rite of Putting Plastic Plugs in All the Wall Sockets. Also take note of the disapproving glances the mother will give you, apparently believing you are to blame for her child's sudden metamorphosis from immobile creature of leisure to highly mobile animal of boundless energy. This specimen exhibits a most fascinating attribute: while under observation, she appears to make little or no locomotive progress; however, should you turn your back for a second, she will have found her way nearly across the room, right near the sharp corner of a wall, mother's safety pin collection, and, strangely, a box full of broken glass and rusty nails. Amazing. Simply amazing.

Equally as intriguing, a crawlermonkey will, when presented an outstretched pair of index fingers, grab ahold of them and, carefully, oh, carefully now, please baby please be careful, pull herself to a wobbly upright position and stand, tenuously, shakily, like a newborn fawn or flamingo. Please Baby, Don't Fall, you might be tempted to say, but before you get the chance, she will meet your eyes with, oh, that blue will break a heart someday, and I'm thinking it probably already has, this look that says I've Got It. I Know What I'm Doing. I've Got This Standing Thing Well In Ha-- and then, like a tiny sack of new potatoes, she falls backwards and realizes that this standing thing is for suckers, anyway.

She will not cry. She is tough. She's a troopermonkey, a laughingmonkey, a grinningmonkey, and am I my monkey's uncle? You can bet your much revered signed photograph of Richard Leakey: I am.

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