The other day, I found myself splashing water on my face in the bathroom sink and then staring into the mirror while going through an internal monologue. That was when I realized I had turned into a fictional character.
And then these little yellow boxes started floating at the suddenly sharp corners of my vision, containing many of the things i was thinking, and I thought, Oh no, I've become a comic book character!
I even felt the intermittent bolding of my words. It was horrible. Or at the very least terribly annoying.
Anyway I swiftly found myself wearing a brightly-colored spandex outfit -- orange and green, good Lord -- and shooting lasers from my hands as I was swept up in a secret intergalactic war. Funny how often those things are secret. You'd think they would be hard to hide. Then again most ordinary people are easily-led sheep who never think to look up at the sky, at least if you read a superhero comic.
I found myself standing on the bridge of a shiny interstellar spaceship, sniping minions and dodging death rays from this dude dressed in green and blue and purple, standing like twenty feet tall and wearing an elaborate crown that added three feet. And he was like "I am Krong, ruler of the cosmos! Tremble before me!"
And I was like "Look, I'm having a lot of fun here, but I've got a job to go to back home. I'm a postal worker. People need to get their mail. It's kinda important? I'm kind of a big deal?"
And he was like "No one disobeys Krong!" And he shot more death rays at me.
Obviously I'm getting nowhere with this bozo, and all the other heroes, whose names I totally forgot because I didn't care about them, are way too busy fighting everyone else because they said I was the Chosen One who alone could defeat Krong. Thanks a lot, guys, great teamwork.
And then I was like, wait a minute. Teamwork. Uniting. Unions! Ah ha! I turn to one of the minions defending Krong and I'm like, "Are you guys unionized?"
And the minion was like "The boss says we can get a fraction of the gold of whatever planet we loot."
And I was like "Sure, but one billionth counts as a fraction. Do you guys get health insurance? Retirement benefits? Stuff like that?"
And the minion was like "We don't even get dental."
They didn't even get dental. Good lord! So I was like "What if you work for the USPS instead? Great benefits and the boss doesn't kick you into an antimatter reactor when he's annoyed."
The minions weren't going for it. Something about only being able to survive in the vacuum of space. Well, I certainly can't see any other reason not to work for the USPS. Then I was like "What if you guys organizsed yourselves and threatened to strike if Krong didn't pay fairly?"
One of the minions was like "We'd immediately all be fed to the Space Slug."
So I was like "What if I defeat Krong and take over your organization and I'll help you form a union?"
That was a deal. So after blasting Krong in the face with a Cosmic Ray of Justice and knocking him off the ship into space, me and the minions held a vote and came up unanimously in favor of the union.
Now we ride around interstellar space, raiding freighters, battling space fleets and organizing the galactic masses. Join the Interstellar Industrial Workers today! The I.I.W.! Pronounced "ew".