April 13, 2019

Today in my Berhardt Goats (famous columnist and friend of yours) column to bring awareness to climate change and the evil actions of climate change deniers and their pollution spewing climate change denier supervan I have chosen a topic close to my heart.

Hot meals

People prepare hot meals all the time, at home and in restaurants and saloons all over the world. This is terrible. Cold meals are preferably to combat climate change. I suggest lunch meats for 92% of your meals going forward from here along with Trix cereal and Twix bars. This will help combat climate change and do interesting "chemical" things to your bowels. Try it out.

I recommend it.

What happens it that heat rises into the atmosphere from your hot home cooked meal that should never have been made it the first place (consider your failures in the kitchen and how stupid you look in an apron for crying out loud). One meal might not seem like much but there are more that 4 million people on the planet and that is a lot of meals with a lot of heat rising off them. Also, keep your AC on all the time and never use the heat. Always keep your home at below 40 degrees (on either scale - they are basically EXACTLY the same anyway but pricks make a big deal out of sounding smart by saying "Is that Farenheit or the other thing?" "I dunno." "Duh." Like I said - pricks).

The other thing you can do is immediately after preparing a hot meal is throw a shitload of dry ice into the oven and put the food into the freezer. Do this right away without pausing for a bathroom break. We must do anything we can to bring down the Earth core temperature, which is what causes climate change. The magma becomes superheated and people die and dinosaurs come back. Climate change is more or less like flipping the tables when you have one of those game tables that has chess on one side, then you turn it over and it has checkers on the other side. Scientists estimate that we have table flipped this planet sixteen times since things initially began with the events depicted in the classic film Ben-Hur, which is soon enjoying a limited theatrical release for some reason. Possibly desperation to get lonely old people who are turned off by superheroes and people of color back into the theatre. There is no way to be sure.

Now, once you have frozen the absolute fuck out of your recently prepared dinner, throw that shit (which is ALL your meal was going to be anywhere due to your culinary ineptitude and the fact that you are an absolute prick) onto the table in front of your guests and remind them.

It is either this or the table flips and the dinosaurs get another turn.

Hammer that into your guest's heads in the most literal sense possible when they are over for dinner, or at least in the way this awful President Trump means "literal." Make them see the truth about climate change before that supervan comes around and they are dragged on board by really stacked guys in tank tops with pictures of The Fonz on them. I shit thee not (internet kiddie saying).

I want you to take the threat of global warming and climate change and receeding hairlines as seriously as possible. The future of our children depends on it. And we could all stand to be a little nicer to each other. Invite a noder over for pie tonight. It doesn't have to be sexual (but it could be).

My friends.

Last night my youngest was in a play that I went to see. Initially she had auditioned for one of the main roles, but I think that a gift of hers is being able to take a minor character, and really make that person come alive in a way that is meaningful to the scene. She did not have many words of love for the director, I'm proud of her for sticking with it despite being told to color her hair (it was teal), for a role a week before the performance. The majority of the students performed well with few exceptions, there were only about five guys in the play which I thought was really too bad, but they made it work, and some of the performances seemed truly inspired. My oldest had to work so we missed her, a couple people in my family said that she must be busy with friends, but I insisted that she would like to hear from them as I believe this to be true, and think it would help strengthen bonds that need tightening.

Work has been a disaster lately, but I would rather focus on the things that are going well in my life. Not long ago I told someone that it would not work, and after going back and forth a couple of times, he said that he was clearly not the guy for me. I thought that was it, but then I felt bad, and asked if he wanted a fresh start. He had some questions about that, I explained it as best I could, and we decided to move forward knowing that I might judge him every time he cracks open a beer, and there are things he doesn't love about me. It was a strange way to begin again, but one of the things I like about us is that we can move forward without an exact resolution of whatever topic/issue/situation, started the conversation. Yesterday he said something, and that made me laugh, but it gave us an opportunity to dig a little deeper.

Without knowing how he would react, I did the thing that a lot of men complain about; woman launches into big long emotionally charged diatribe while the man is supposed to, do what exactly? To his credit he listened to me, and that really helped. He said things that indicated agreement, and/or understanding, told me that what I had said made sense, and surprisingly, apologized for the confusion. I didn't think that he had really done anything wrong, but I did appreciate the fact that he was apparently trying to mend fences that I didn't feel were really broken. One part of me wonders if women are so conditioned to focus on the fact that men want sex that this can become a fear rather than a tale of caution. Men and women are both sexual creatures, and sex is one of the things I am not getting from the women, or other men in my life. I'm not getting it from him either, we've had some talks about it, and I like the way that he handled my feedback.

I told him that I felt like his attitude toward it had changed, in the beginning it was more about me and setting the scene, then those types of things gave way to more straightforward indicators. I started thinking about sex, intimacy, touching in a way that bonds rather than incites or seduces, and time spent together in general. This guy is a communicator, and I love that about him. He touches base frequently throughout the day, it usually isn't anything super deep or intense, it's checking in the way that I check in on others I care about, and that translates to me feeling secure about his affections and attention. We had the attention conversation when we first started chatting, and whether or not he remembers that, he acts in a manner that seems caring and concerned; sharing bits and pieces about his day and life in a way that invites me to do the same to the level that I am comfortable. After the big long thing he asked how my day was, I told him, and he gave me a strong dose of empathy and support that I really needed.

Since I did so much yesterday I decided to be lazy this morning, it feels like I should be out getting things done, but I don't want to be completely drained of energy by the time I get to work. Yesterday I had this huge conversation with one of my girlfriends, this morning I had another shorter one with one of my other friends. I live for that type of communication, and apparently can't really get enough of it. My one friend told me to guard my heart, another told me to relax, and not think too much about the relationship. I think there is a danger in being depressed, things that feel good, the opposite of depression, feel strange and somewhat wrong. Like this guy has his fair share of faults and flaws, but am I sabotaging things on purpose, in a subconscious, or unconscious manner, because I am afraid of someone getting too close to me? Food for thought that has me thinking. I was trying to step back and see it for what it is, he is neither angel, nor demon, there's a temptation to try and see past the bad, but also a tendency to fear the good, for me at least.

There is so much more on my mind, but I'm done writing for the day as I need to start getting ready for work. 

All my best,

Jess

P.S. I never thought that having a girlfriend who was out of her mind crazy for a guy would be such good preparation for future relationships, funny how that worked out...

Xoxo,

j

I know that once I close my eyes to sleep, the next time I open them, they'll be gone, and I'll be alone. It's this thought that keeps me awake, staring at the wall; the backs of my eyelids; my phone screen. I want to reach out but no-one is replying to me. I wouldn't say I'm having a crisis, but I'm close.

Yet what option do I have? Guests sleep on the sofas and in a few hours they'll be waking up from their naps and getting into cars to catch the ferry. Full of enthusiasm and vacation happiness and in no mood for a tearful goodbye. It's a scene I have no place in.

In other news, I did something incredibly offbrand for me and participated in a Wolf Run. It wasn't as bad as I expected, although I injested rather a lot of mud and my stomach is feeling worse for it.