Gutted. Absolutely gutted.
This has been 48 hours of metaphorical kicks in the face. I am not even sure how to process, so here I write to my favorite, mostly anonymous audience, where I can purge, and it doesn't mean anything to anyone (except you, and that's ok)
I wrote yesterday about being hit with the reality of aging family. It got worse.
I didn't know the reality of how bad my mom was until going over her SSI/disability paperwork yesterday. I learned things I had no idea, such as her inability to self care, including personal hygiene; her complete distrust of providers AND her husband, which means she hasn't been fully honest with ANYONE regarding what she's going through, what her symptoms are, and how she is or isn't dealing with them; plus actually getting a real look at how far from this reality she is. It is scary -- more than that, it is inexpressibly frustrating. She needs an advocate. We could do this, if she lived closer.
We live in a duplex we've converted to a single. We are considering asking my parents to move into the upstairs apartment, and we will keep the downstairs as our main domain. This is not ideal, and the idea of my step-father sharing space with us gives me a migraine. But I can't come up with a better solution. She needs help, and she needs it fast if she is going to recover. Our county has amazing services we can easily connect her to - IF she is a resident. My step-father will be difficult to reign in. However, he will be our tenant, and HAVE to follow our rules. I've put my foot down with him before, I will not hesitate to do this again ESPECIALLY to take care of my mom. If he won't make this change, and continues to neglect her care, we will go steal her.
All that we before I left for my 6:30 pottery class.
Three hours later on the drive home, I learned that the campground I've been going to for 30 years, a seasonal camper for 15, and has become my community; doubled their prices with no notice.
Doubled. The season opens in two weeks. They did not give anyone any notice.
I understand inflation. I understand they have not raised their rates in 10 years. I understand business. However, how DARE you still refer to us as community if you don't give us any notice or time to prepare for such a price jump. Maybe they will make it through this, but I know most of us can not afford an extreme hike like that without time to prepare and save for it. I had been so excited about how some changes this year were going to make camp better, convenient, and enjoyable again. Now, I'm looking into how we make sure our camper is registered, the tires are ok, and have made arrangements to keep it at one of the properties I work at.
I am supposed to be going to two festivals there this summer, co-running workshops and entertainment, something I am already super burned out on. My current thought is "fuck that." I am so angry. The only reason I might consider going to the longer one is because I promised one of my close friends I'd run his booth for him so he can care for his own mother. I don't know what kind of sales person I am going to be with the bitter chip on my shoulder.
Currently, I am just so angry, frustrated, and hurt I am not making any decisions about anything. I just need to vent. I need to scream. I need to cry. I need a mental break. I need. I don't know what I need. Right now, I think it's just to be heard, have witness, throw these strong emotions to the ether.
I need a hug. A long, long hug.