The other day I was going along, minding my own business when I thought about the guy that my friend had a crush on back when I still had that job. I have no idea why he was on my mind, just a random thought I figured, but it's been a couple of days now, and I can't shake him. Even though she accused me of liking him, I never had any romantic feelings for him. I liked him as a person, but he just wasn't my type. Besides, even if I had been madly in love with him, she had such a firm hold on his soul that I never would have stood a chance. This whole thing has got me to thinking about thoughts, memories, the past, the present, the future, what to do, if anything, about any of this. I told a friend of mine who is familiar with the situation about this, we had a brief chat about it, and I wonder if this whole thing is nothing more than events I am remembering and want some form of closure that seems elusive. I laid down and tried to empty my mind, I admired his work ethic, the more I think about him, the more I realize that he is a seriously cool person, and maybe I feel kind of bad for not seeing that earlier, as if I owe him some overdue apology?
This morning it was raining when I woke up, the perfect day to stay in bed, but instead of pulling the covers back up again, I put on several layers, and went out for a walk. While I was walking this woman shouted at me that I was treading on the back yards of the houses up the way. It wasn't so much that I minded being told that was private property, it was the way she said it. I apologized, and I won't make that mistake again, but it was sort of sad to me. By the time I arrived back at home I was soaked to the skin. I peeled off my wet jacket, it was strange to see the pink of my arms through the thin material of my sleeves, I had a vest on under the jacket, that wasn't as wet, but it was far from dry. I hung my scarf up on my drying rack, made myself a huge breakfast that I justified to myself, and went back to bed. I must have slept for several hours because it was afternoon when I woke up again. Monday was tough. Tuesday was better, I still don't have a job, yet I am optimistic. What I want to figure out is how to change some of these thought patterns and behaviors, and I figured that writing about it might be a logical good first step.
I was incredibly upset the other day. Sunday I was happy, positive, filled with excitement about the future and what it holds. Monday was hideous, I spent a lot of money shopping, it's not sustainable, and I don't want to live like that regardless. I am a person who enjoys being able to talk through things, even if I don't always want to hear what others are saying, it helps to have their perspective and insights. I stopped texting most people, and have learned who is going to stay in my small circle of friends. I didn't have to drop out of anything because I wasn't really involved in anything before this. When the couple that was interviewing me asked about my children, I had mentioned them previously, I sort of laughed, I said that they were going to be 19, and 17, and then stated that I had paid my dues in a voice that didn't sound a thing like me. But this is true, and I want to give myself credit I have been denying myself previously. I did work hard, I worked incredibly hard. I didn't always prioritize well, I wasn't always managing my time in a spectacular fashion, but I worked hard.
Many self-help books talk about loving yourself more, and for me this has been a battle in tending to my emotional wounds and states. I read a little thing the other night that said something about emotional stability, and perhaps this is the thing I am longing for, that calm, peaceful, measured, level headed approach to life. My moods have always fluctuated rapidly, one moment I can be laughing and joking around, the next I am seething, or filled with dread. I don't know why this is, I try to keep a lot of this inner dialogue and turmoil hidden, but then I feel inauthentic while realizing that I can't just stop and start raging at someone, or about something. That just wouldn't be appropriate. While I know that impulsive spending can be curbed, and a little retail therapy is one way of trying to cope with what Vin Scully called an unusual time, I want to go beyond that. Part of it is simply being a human, we never really have full control over anything, control and safety are largely elusive, and imaginary, but that really doesn't help me to feel better.
An interesting thing about scrolling through my Twitter feed is watching how people that belong to different groups are responding and reacting, or proacting to the current situation. Healthcare Twitter is stressed, angry, sobbing, or even committing suicide. There's a heaviness, a stress level that wasn't there before, and it's not like this is a stunning observation or anything, it's just what I am noticing. Sports Twitter has probably been one of the most curious groups. Many of them are accustomed to being very online, and are watching old games, writing about the past, what sports might be like in the future, there's also been a lot of political backlash, and understandably, and I would even say rightfully so in many cases. This kind of ties in with FinTwit (financial Twitter who likes to refer to themselves as such), who has been kind of more annoying than I ever realized they could be. Many of them are well off, and have this sort of distracted, holier than thou, these kids should have listened to me when I told them about their profligate ways type stuff. I am stereotyping of course, but that's how it strikes me for the most part.
Baking Twitter leaves me cold. I have been making all sorts of meals on my own for decades, and long for the sort of privilege that would allow me to order a pizza, buzz through a drive-thru, or pick up some ready made meal that I could take home, heat, and eat. I get that many are into gardening, or are getting into it, and I'm sure I could put a few plants on my balcony which is actually something I have wanted for years, but again, there's this better than everyone else sense out there. "We are saving our onion bottoms, carrot tops, and celery leavings to grow new food!" Many have been doing this before them, and perhaps it is just a sense of jealousy, I want what they have, but am unwilling to do the work, and mourning the time that I had land of my own. I will never forget planting a garden, watching most things come up, and seeing the sunny white blonde curls of my oldest as her little legs went over to pick up a pumpkin. It was a moment out of a storybook, dad working on the firepit, mom in the garden cutting off broccoli for that night's dinner, child fascinated by a ladybug that flies off into a china blue sky.
I used to want some sort of romantic partner, and that would still be nice, but more than that, I want to know that I can count on and reliably trust myself to get me through whatever it is, and maybe that's the bigger lesson in this whole pandemic. I saved money. I spent money. I went online to do the whole connect with someone thing, and deleted the app after a couple of days because as it has been said, the more things change, the more they remain the same. I feel great about a lot of the things I have done and accomplished. There's no real report card for life as an adult, and perhaps it would help to give myself one. If I am grading myself, how am I faring in the classes known as Faith, Finance, Fitness, and Food? The things that stress me out at home are relatively minor. I've shown myself what I can do, and know that I will continue to learn, to grow, to make mistakes, and to forgive myself for them because that's a big part of it. I want healing, security, adventure, even a bit of danger now and then. Things like that make me feel alive.
Today was a good day, it felt really good to get some of this off of my chest. I have been meaning to write more, I love to write, but it also becomes a chore, admittedly a self imposed one. But for now, all is well here, and I want to hang onto this feeling knowing that it is fleeting, but will return, like so many other wonderful things in my life. Sometimes it takes losing something for me to appreciate how I failed to be grateful for things I miss now. The job I complained about that I would dearly love to have back. Even being demoted has taken on a completely different complexion, probably my rose colored glasses are to blame for that. It was not a fabulous working environment, but a lot of those guys meant so much to me. Even now, memories I have from our time together come at me from different angles, when I least expect them, things someone said, what they did, the slow feet of one person versus the quicker stride of another, the blue fabric of so many pairs of pants, sounds from the shop, noise from the parts department, I miss it and loved it, even when times were tough and I was stressed. It is still fresh, eventually it will fade, but for now, it hurts.
Until next time,
J
P.S. I have a very strong condo vibe and I'm not sure why. But I went online and that was fun for a while. Dreams like that have always been free.
j