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I was forced by the dark spirit of Friend Behr (Mr. Goats), who possesses me, to go to the pornography store to purchase a magazine called Back Alley Bitches. I was ashamed because I had to ask the clerk, "Do you have the latest Back Alley Bitches behind you on the rack there?" I had to do that. Awful. Embarrassing. Upsetting to the common man. Truly.

Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling and that was my cold open, something that is part of my schtick here (as is sometimes breaking the fourth wall).

What is up with people named Seamus? I mean, what the fuck? Enough with that already. Keep that over in Ireland. Not here. Not in America, thank you. Fucking assholes.

This is quite a magazine. I can't believe there are articles in here. There is a piece in this magazine on tire pressure. I mean, what the fuck? "Hey Mildred, I sold my article on tire pressure to Back Alley Bitches. Things are looking up for me as a writer."

Quite something, that. Quite something. I must admit. Quite something.

Noxious gasses in school buildings. Not something I want to be involved with. Incredible. Quite incredible. Couldn't anyone smell the noxious gasses before they let the children inside? Where were the authority figures? Probably government nerds. Not good for anything.

If you were talking a lot in my office during a professional psychiatric appointment, I might say, "Have you been eating a lot of yams? Because you sure seem to be doing a lot of yammering." This is what is ostensibly known as a "dad joke" and these can be awkward if used inappropriately. You have to be dad-like in nature for these to work otherwise it can be problematic as well as sick making.

Are you going to live at the zoo with your fairy godmother? That is some hippie stuff. It really is. Get over that. Call my office. Make an appointment. Sliding scale.

Some of you aren't doing right by the children. BY THE CHILDREN. Don't you think about THE CHILDREN? What the fuck is wrong with you?

I like hearing upbeat rock music in a house party where everyone is having a good time. WHERE IS THIS NOW? WHERE IS PLACE? THIS PLACE. WHERE IS NOW? Let me know. Hours by appointment. Sliding scale.

Don't understand why these places aren't around any longer. Fuck is up with that? I'm up to my tits in cold water here. Frozen lake. Eerie.

I don't know if you have any frozen lakes near where you live. You could talk to me about it over coffee. At a schedule appointment. Call today.

I will STARE at you while you drink my coffee. Just STARE at you. Comfortable. Very comfortable couch. Comfortable setting. You will feel AT EASE IN MY OFFICE every fucking time you come over.

Recently I killed a man. Your friend, Berhardt Goats. Dead. Killed him. Malpractice. Call me for an appointment.

His body is in a box in the shed. I can take you out to LOOK AT IT if you want. If that is your KIND OF THING. You let me know. Sweaty hands. Sweaty hands. Festive thoughts. GET THAT BLOUSE OFF!!!

Much better now. Much better indeed. I certainly think so.

Medically yours,

Dr. Peter Swilling,

A professional

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