y'know what my idea of paradise is? Solitude. :/
Imagine a monastery tucked away deep in the mountains on the outskirts of a little village in Siberia or something, or a temple deep in some habitable little part of the Amazonian rainforest, or African Rainforest, or something...Some secret place in rural 19th century Japan. Or Korea. Or something. Somewhere I could live off subsistence farming (preferably someone else's work just being honest), long quiet lonely days with no noise. Where I didn't have to do anything except eat, think, write, and sleep. No impositions of pressure of any kind. Just time. In reality, with the life I've lived to this point and the world I live in and the way it's shaped me, I wouldn't dare want to transport myself into that kind of life at this point. I wouldn't choose it, anymore. But to have always had it that way...I'm the type of person who'd do well in this.
I try to put myself in other people's shoes as best I can. I try to "see myself" through their eyes by considering their perspective with as much detail and open mindedness as possible. It's a skill I've worked hard to develop over a long period of time. More than half my life probably. It's helped me tremendously with problem solving skills and it's helped me to stray away from my judgmental tendencies, or at least mitigate them, and have more empathy. I do understand it's very hard to connect with someone like me, who would choose solitude. I realize I'm very hard to talk to. I would feel no more comfortable with trying to be a human that's consistently sociable and engaging than I would with trying to be a crocodile, behaving exactly as a crocodile would. But I do try to empathize. I try to behave in a way that accomodates other people and helps them have an easier time dealing with me. I do try.
I swear to god I try
But I can only do this within the boundaries of my self and who I am. I can try to help other people. But I can't be what I'm not.
Well ok I guess I could. Maybe you could even say that most people do. But I just won't.
So have patience with me. I do care about you. I haven't forgotten about you. I just don't want to talk right now.