Hello. My name is Glenn Hammelskinski. I am the CEO of Behr, Inc. I have borrowed the account of Sexy Camp Counselor in order to clear up some misconceptions about the Behr Extended Universe. In order to do this, I will not give a point-by-point refutation of some of the rumors and shit talk that has been going on amongst the fans about the Behr Extended Universe. Instead, I will explain in some detail, or as much detail as a normal human has patience for under the circumstances, the workings of the Behr Extended Universe.
Some years back, the adventures of one of our most popular comic book characters took some wild turns. This character, sometimes described as an "Evil Mr. Bean" was also the headlining comic book character produced by Behr, Inc. The company was, in fact, named after him.
These wild turns were not realistic in nature. That is to say, one could not possibly believe these things possible unless they were in Q-Anon, and not enough of the readers of our comic books are involved in that organization. It also became known to us that our headlining comic book character, Berhardt Illych Goats, had been diversified as a character and was posting writeups on this website. We knew that we would have to do something to keep not only those who read our comic books satisfied, but also the character's fans on everything2. We had to puzzle on this for some time. There had to be a way to differentiate betwen Behr's realistic writeups, his experiences going to the movies, his being involved with right-wing militias, and when he murdered his friend Dale because his wife wouldn't give him a handjob under the table at dinner, with his fantastic writeups and comic book adventures where he travels in time and goes to Hades, gets a battlefield promotion to staff, and returns to Earth programmed for vengeance.
We began to divide the individual comic books and his writeups on everything2 into two categories. The first we designated as canon. These were the things that we would definitely say were true under oath in a federal or time travel courthouse. The second pile we didn't have a name for.
Wow, then came the graphic novel. Behr and the Elven Dimension. Wow. This changed everything. Now, there were different worlds out there and Behr had access to them. There were other dimensions! Behr was no longer a creepy old man from Baltimore. He was a superhero. We had to adjust and keep on tinkering, even when we were tinkling.
Causes and Impact of the First World War on Trade in the Crimean Sea
The board was meeting almost daily, looking for fresh ideas of how to handle how many products and creative endeavors were coming out using the character of Berhardt Illych Goats. We needed a way to corral these projects. And so, we came up with this vague idea called the Behr Extended Universe that would exist alongside Behr canon. It had to be done. There was no other way.
When Behr's body finally gave out after being infected with COVID-19 (yes it even affects comic book characters), we had a body of work. That body of work is now being dissected at our labs. We should have DNA results back within twenty-four hours. We are fictional characters. We can do that shit. We also have equipment here in our fictional offices that can solve any crime using suspect science.
Origins of the Berhardt Goats Character: Television and Film
In 1953, East German Television first broadcast The Berhardt Goats Show. It ran for seven years. It centered around a clueless, but insidiously cruel man who lived in a house attached to the Berlin Wall with his mother. His father was an agent with the STASI. He was NOT to be trifled with. When Behr challenged him, he was beaten to a pulp. His father had been a Nazi. Many said he still was, but it was tolerated because he had skills. In the show, Behr would come out of his house and attack people who got too close to the Berlin Wall. He would use any means to kill and maim those he felt were meddlesome in the politics of the day. He was considered the East German equivalent of Superman. He was incredibly popular.
Schenrick Enterprises bought the rights to The Berhardt Goats Show for broadcast in West Germany. The original creator and writer for the show, Gertrude Slessinger, was conned into giving up all rights in the process. Schenrick now controlled the rights to the show AND the character. They would make three movies between 1960 and 1963. Behr Gets Loose (1960), Behr on the Run (1961), Behr Defects (1963). These films were HUGELY popular in West Germany and in East Germany. 50 millions Germans flooded Potsdam Plaza when Behr Defects was released. At least one million were shot.
Berhardt Goats and the Everything2 Node-By-Mail Program
In 1959, Liam Henderson and Walt Walker launched the Everything2 Node-by-Mail program. This service provided information on any number of subjects, written by hacks, and distributed through the mail. More information is, of course, available at that link. This was the first time that Behr had received any attention outside of Germany. People around the world were starting to take notice of his smart but snippy writings. He received a call from Warner Brothers in America. They wanted to bring Berhardt Goats to America for an American audience. Schenrick Enterprises, despite being profoundly German, were excited to sell the rights to Warner Brothers.
The Warner Brothers Years
Warner Brothers was excited to be bringing the most popular cartoon character in German history to Hollywood, but when they actually put Behr and his mother on a ship to sail to America to begin their new life in Baltimore, there was trouble. Behr got loose on the ship and killed fifteen people. He had to be caged. This was said to "do things to his mind" (Dr. Wilson, pgs 111-132, Psychology of Berhardt Illych Goats, Harper-Collins, 2014). When he got to Baltimore, he wasn't in his right mind. He'd become unnaturally attached to his mother. He was awkward around women. And he continued accidently killing people in the process of trying to install an extreme right-wing government in America.
Warner Brothers cut all ties with him in 1967. It had gotten out of hand when Behr joined a right-wing militia who marched up to Massachusetts and took control of Walden Pond. There was a two-week standoff. It was in the news.
G. Gordon Liddy and Berhardt Goats
Because he killed three Massachusetts State Police officers and a duck during the siege of Walden Pond, Behr was imprisoned, sentenced to a life sentence. He was sprung in 1971 by G. Gordon Liddy who wanted Behr's help for an operation he was planning. The prison guards were willing to look the other way. Behr was free and working again.
In 1975, G. Gordon Liddy and one of his holding companies released the film Berhardt Goats: American Patriot. In this, Behr goes to Vietnam in 1967 and wins the war there. The movie was poorly reviewed, had little box office action, and in 1977, G. Gordon Liddy sold the rights to Berhardt Goats to a drunken Dean Martin at a strip club.
The Dean Martin Years
The Dean Martin years are probably the weirdest era for the character of Berhardt Goats. He was frequently talked about during Dean's monologues, but no one saw him during this period. Dean Martin finally convinced Warner Brothers to buy the character back in 1987. They promptly sold it to the KGB, who were looking for entertainment figures to buy in America at the time.
The Rights Lapse
In 1994, there was a lapse in registering the rights to the character. The Soviet Union had fallen, pretty much, and the KGB did not have time to make movies. They made six movies with Behr between 1987 and 1991, most of which promoted communism, although the last one just involved Behr sitting around with Mikhail Gorbachev eating scones and drinking tea. A lot of people figured that Behr had jumped the shark with that one. Fascinating.
When the rights lapsed, the character had stopped being popular, but he was revived as a chat room character in the early days of AOL and continued to be involved in this kind of thing until 1997, at which point he was hired by the North Korean government to infiltrate an American-based website that presented a plethora of information to otters. They had targeted Everything2, which was in the process of converting itself from a node-by-mail service into a functioning website. They were not yet ready to launch, but the North Korean generals who were puppeting Behr were chomping at the bit.
Everything2 and the extent to which Behr canon is applicable in a general as well as a somewhat specific sense, but not so specific that it turns off readers
When Behr came to Everything2, he began reviewing movies and sharing stories from his life. All of this, as everything before it, is considered Behr canon. His mother dying after the KGB submerged her in a bathtub filled with acid is canon. His founding and running of Civil War Action Figures, Ltd. is canon. Chopper and the Slow Kid are canon.
And then it gets tricky. All of Behr's adventures, up to and including when he kidnapped his best friend's wife, sold her to white slavers in Eastern Europe, and successfully framed his friend Dale for her murder, is considered canon. A lot of the other stuff isn't.
Characters in the Behr Extended Universe
One of the lovely, lovely things about the Behr Extended Universe is that it brings in a host of different characters. Chopper, the Slow Kid, Dale, and so forth are considered canon characters. But others, including most of the elves, Steve Johnson, Willie Formica, and Sexy Camp Counselor are characters that Behr has only met once or twice. Behr and Sexy Camp Counselor have, to date, only had one encounter. That was in the cartoon Phone Sex Lines which was released in 2005. It was a minor hit.
When Behr died in 2020, there was a lot of buzz around Behr, Inc. (which now owns the rights to Behr, Behr canon, and the Behr Extended Universe) There was buzz about which of our stable of characters would replace him as the central character in our comic books and films. We have decided to try out Sexy Camp Counselor in this role, as characters like Steve Johnson and Willie Formica are far from fully fleshed characters and we don't believe they can hold their own as the central character in our comics. They are, however, nice. Jonathan Ticklebutt was briefly considered as well.
Thank you for reading this report. We hope you have a pleasant day and don't get killed by Nazis today.