I was thinking back to some of the really obscure, crappy TV shows I used to watch when I was a kid, and I mean a proper kid, like less then 10 years of age.
I'm talking about the kind of programs that nowadays you have completely forgotten about, and only enter your head when someone else just happens to say, oh did you used to watch so and so. That, or when you're watching one of Channel 4's Top 100 so and so's, and you suddenly think, Jesus Christ I used to watch that!!!! For me, this causes a huge rush of nostalgia, as I remember that once upon a-time, far away in the mists of time, I used to be an innocent child, who didn’t have a care in the world. I can also remember not knowing anything, and being completely devoid of any knowledge about the world around me, how I wish I could have stayed in that state sometimes. Ignorance is bliss I guess.
Anyways, A couple of years ago I was reminded by shear chance of a cartoon named the Visionaries. Upon hearing the name I had a feeling that I can only equate with de cha vou, or where you wake up from a dream and for a moment debate with yourself whether you’re dream was reality, or just a load of shit your mind made up for you. But then, I thought of something even more obscure, and that was a cartoon called Bravestarr. As I was but a little nipper when I used to watch this the only things I could remember off the top of my head was that:
- It was based around this Indian looking guy who was dressed as a futuristic cowboy.
- I think he had some horse, like the equivalent of He-Man's Battlecat (what the fuck is a Battlecat!)
- He used to say shit like “Strength of the bear” upon which he would magically have the strength of a bear, fick knows how.
That’s about all I could remember. After doing some research, well, typing it into a search engine, it has come back to me that it was basically a battle of good and evil set on a far away planet named New Texas, with one main good guy, BraveStarr, and one main bad guy, Tex Hex. These main characters then had their mates, or possy. It was also set in a kind of goldrush scenario with New Texas being rich in a mineral named Kerium, used to power space vessels, this mineral is of course scarce in the rest of the universe. So basically Tex Hex is trying to get his hands on as much Kerium as possible, using the usual bad guy techniques, and Bravestarr has been brought in to kick Tex Hex's arse into touch.
The cast:
- BraveStarr is the intergalactic marshal stationed on the planet New Texas. He is a mixture of the cultures of the American Indian and the American Cowboy. He has the special powers of the wolf, hawk, puma, and bear. So if he needed to get somewhere quickly all he'd have to say is "speed of the puma" and hey presto. Of course I tried saying this on sports day, but still came in third behind Oliver Woodman and Andrew Morton-Holmes.
- BraveStarr's father is the Shaman. He is a mystical character who lives by himself on New Texas. He followed the enemy of his tribe, Stampede, to this planet and vowed to defeat him. (I would have just stayed at home with me mates)
- 30/30 is BraveStarr's trusted partner and friend. He is a mechanical horse known as an Equestroid. His prize possession is his gun, which he calls Sara Jane. (A talking mechanical horse, with a gun called Sara Jane! what were the animators on!)
- Stampede is the hated enemy of the Shaman's tribe. He is a very powerful sorcerer and stole most of his power from the Shaman's tribe. He also created Tex Hex.(stealing is wrong fullstop)
- Tex Hex was a kerium miner who was given special powers by Stampede after crashing his ship on New Texas. His ship crashed because he overloaded it with kerium because of his greed. His physical appearance is that of being gaunt and ghostly. He is an outlaw and is Bravestarr’s chief adversary. (Note to all you kids out there, don't overload with Kerium)
- Judge JB is the intergalactic judge on New Texas. She arrived with Marshal BraveStarr to keep control on the newly occupied planet.
- Handle Bar is a very strong ally of BraveStarr. He runs the local tavern at Fort Kerium, and Bravestarr constantly questions his sexuality, actually I made that last bit up.
- Deputy Fuzz is a prairie person befriended my BraveStarr and made a deputy. He uses his special weapon, a multi-lasso. (Man that's a shitty special weapon!)
- Outlaw Skuzz is the faithful follower of Tex Hex. He drives around New Texas in his Skuzz Bucket. Skuzz is also always seen smoking a cigar.(These bad guys just dont know where to draw the line do they, I mean, a cigar, doesn't he know about cancer)
- Thunder Stick is the mechanical follower of Tex Hex. He is one of the fastest draws on New Texas. (What does he want, a fickin medal)
- Vipra is another follower of Tex Hex. She uses her mechanical snake and paralyzing venom to reek havoc on New Texas. (Why's everything fickin mechanical, well it is the future I guess)
- Sand Storm is also a member of Tex Hex's gang. He has the power of creating devastating sand storms. (Oooooh scary, might get some sand in my eye's, some sort of goggles might be in order)
- Dingo Dan is a member of a gang of dingos on New Texas. He has the ability to morph into the image of a man. (Give a shit)
- Molly is the fearless driver of the stratocoach which transports kerium from the fort and is often robbed by Tex Hex's gang. (They couldn't just call it the stagecoach could they, and stick an air marshall on it)
- In 1986, the Group W Productions company, Filmation, created BraveStarr and the marketing line was:
It was the roughest of planets
They needed a thousand lawmen
They got one
He was enough
Eyes of the Hawk
Ears of the Wolf
Strength of the Bear
Speed of the Puma
He was Bravestarr
Now if that doesn’t get your motor running!
- There were 65 episodes. Yeah 65 fickin episodes! How they managed to make 65 I’ll never know. When you’re a kid though are you really paying attention to the storyline, probably not. They could have repeated the same episode 65 times over and I probably wouldn’t have noticed. Anyways, the 65 were:
001. New Texas Blues
002. Night of the Bronco-Tank
003. Strength of the Bear aka The Power Within
004. Space Zoo
005. Brother's Keeper
006. Kerium Fever
007. The Taking of Thistledown 123
008. No Drums, NoTrumpets
009. Showdown at Sawtooth
010. BraveStarr and the Law
011. Eye of the Beholder
012. Nomad is an Island
013. The Ballad of Sara Jane
014. Eyewitness
015. BraveStarr and the Medallion
016. Sherlock Holmes in the 23rd Century Part 1
017. Sherlock Holmes in the 23rd Century Part 2
018. Hail, Hail, the Gang's All Here
019. Thoren the Slavemaster
020. To Walk A Mile
021. Skuzz and Fuzz
022. Who Am I?
023. The Vigilantes
024. The Witnesses
025. The Wrong Hands
026. The Good, the Bad, and the Clumsy
027. Wild Child
028. Jeremiah and the Prairie People
029. Unsung Hero
030. An Older Hand
031. Hostage
032. Runaway Planet
033. BraveStarr and the Treaty
034. Lost Mountain
035. Handlebar and Rampage
036. The Haunted Shield
037. Fallen Idol
038. Big Thirty and Little Wimble
039. Memories
040. Buddy
041. Rampage
042. Tunnel of Terror
043. Touble Wears a Badge
044. BraveStarr and the Three Suns
045. Running Wild
046. Tex's Terrible Night
047. Revolt of the Prairie People
048. A Day in the Life of a New Texas Judge
049. The Price
050. Tex But No Hex
051. Call to Arms
052. Balance of Power
053. The Disappearance of Thirty-Thirty
054. Brothers In Crime
055. Shake Hands with Long Arm John
056. Ship of No Return
057. Call of the Wild
058. Thirty-Thirty Goes Camping
059. The Day the Town Was Taken
060. The Bounty Hunter
061. Sunrise, Sunset
062. Legend of a Pretty Lady
063. BraveStarr and the Empress
064. The Blockade
065. Little Lie That Grew
And that's about that.
Oh God I've ruined my life