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Conquest Cruises Advertisement

(A Very Short Play. The Viking Vignettes are intended to be placed amongst other plays in the fashion of television advertisements.)

Parts: Viking Spokesmodel, Galley Slave One, Galley Slave Two, Victim, Voiceover

(The Viking Spokesmodel enters, ideally roped to a pole like the prow of a ship. She is wearing a festive tropical sun dress, and a Viking Helmet. The two galley slaves follow her, banging drums in unison.)

SPOKESMODEL: Stuck in Götaland1 this midsummer? You don't have to be! Why not take a conquest cruise?

(In the distance, a gong sounds.)

SPOKESMODEL: Put down those primitive yet effective rustic farming instruments! And join us for six days and seven nights of sailing, plundering, raping, slaughtering, and burning!

(Victim runs across stage screaming, clad in peasant garb, axe stuck in his/her back.)

SPOKESMODEL: Our low, low rates include fine dining every night of salted pork, hard bread, and mead; a private bunk, and a team of trained oarsmen help you make the most of your time with us! In addition, we have a variety of special plans available, including navigation training, sword fighting, arson, and augury! Conquest Cruises, take a trip that you and your destination will never forget!

(The drummers, who had been softly banging away, raise the roof as the lights fade.)

VOICEOVER: (very, very fast) Additional fees, including a percentage of loot and booty apply. Raid at own risk. Insurance costs vary, life insurance not available. Offer not valid in Grenlund or Vinlund. Always remember to plunder and pillage before you burn.
1. Anything that isn't English is Swedish. FYI.

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