(A Short Play)
Parts: Ironer, Annoying
Friend 1, Annoying Friend
2, Annoying Friend 3 (Sorry for the clunky
names, but now we can all be gender
(An ironing board
with an iron on it sits center stage
. The Ironer enters, carrying a shirt and pants.)
IRONER: Ooh, fresh from the dryer
! Soft, snuggle
fresh, lemon-scented, wonderfully clean clothes
(The Ironer places the clothes on the ironing board, and begins to iron
IRONER: I love to iron. It’s a simple act, you take wrinkled
clothes, apply water, heat, and pressure… and voila
! Straightened out clothes! And seams, glorious, glorious
(The Ironer bends down, rubs his face into the freshly ironed pants. The Ironer squeals
with a facial expression that can only be described as orgasmic joy
. He then picks up the pants and shows them to the audience
IRONER: I like ironing pants so much that sometimes I mess 'em up afterwards
(The Ironer shakes the pants furiously
IRONER: So I can iron them again!
(The Ironer begins ironing the same pair of pants again.)
IRONER: Oh, to iron all day would be my wish
Iron in the morning
, iron in the
, iron in the evening
Fresh smells, starched shirts, dry clean here and there,
Flattening, it makes a good impression
(Enter the three annoying friends, talking to each other.)
FRIEND 1: This is just sad
FRIEND 2: We’re not here to judge
, we’re here to help
FRIEND 3: I’m here because those are my pants
FRIEND 2: That too.
(They reach center stage, and address the Ironer.)
FRIEND 1: We thought
you’d find you here.
IRONER: This is my house
, where else would I be?
FRIEND 3: It’s Saturday
night. And you’re at home. By yourself. Ironing my pants.
IRONER: I didn’t know anything else was going on. And I happen to enjoy ironing. Your pants are done, by the way.
(The Ironer hands Annoying Friend 3 his pants.)
FRIEND 3: Well, uh, thank you. But this doesn’t change
why we’re here.
IRONER: Why are you here, anyway?
FRIEND 2: We’re worried about you. You’ve been spending so much time lately ironing…
FRIEND 1: THIS IS AN INTERVENTION
FRIEND 3: Yeah, because like, you iron too much
IRONER: An intervention?
FRIEND 1: Yes, an intervention! So that you stop ironing so much. Because…
FRIEND 2: Because it’s hurting
you. And it’s hurting your friends. And we care about you. The first step is admitting you have a problem
IRONER: But I don’t have a problem. I just like ironing. I can quit any time I want
. I just don’t want to.
FRIEND 2: No, you can’t. It’s an addiction
, it’s a disease
. I’ve been there before, you feel like your life is out of your control
, living every moment for the next rush of steel and steam, not knowing where your next fix
is going to come from. I know. I’ve been there.
IRONER: Really, you like to iron too? I never knew that about you.
FRIEND 2: Well, for me it was meth
. But the principle
is the same.
IRONER: Well, I hardly think…
FRIEND 1: That’s right, you hardly think
! How many times a day do you iron?
IRONER: Well, I always iron my shirt in the morning. And I usually like to iron a bit after I get home, and maybe a little bit before bedtime
FRIEND 3: That’s kind of weird
, dude. OCD
FRIEND 1: And has it been affecting your job
IRONER: Yeah, my boss
s me. They like people who take pride
in their appearance
FRIEND 2: But that’s not what it’s really about, is it?! You’d iron even if you didn’t have to… I’ll bet
(Annoying Friend 2 grabs the shirt off the ironing table, and reads the tag
FRIEND 2: Hah! As I thought! "No Iron, Wrinkle Resistant
!" There’s nothing wrong with this shirt!
FRIEND 1: You freak
IRONER: Well, actually, that’s a bit of a misnomer
-- it does look better ironed.
FRIEND 2: -shakes head- You’re so deluded
, you’re making excuses to cover up your refusal
to head labels written by experts. Experts
FRIEND 1: Let’s face the facts! There’s good drinking
to be done tonight. I know because I invited you out myself
. And yet here you are, all alone, just you and the iron. You need help.
IRONER: I was going to join you guys… I just wanted to get this cuff
done right first.
FRIEND 3: The cuff is fine, it’s you who ain’t right.
FRIEND 2: We’re your friends, let us help
FRIEND 1: Put down the iron, come out with us, we can talk this over together
. But let’s get out of this house and your sick thoughts about proper steaming conditions
for 40/60 cotton and polyester blends.
IRONER: For the last time, I DO NOT NEED ANY HELP
. I feel perfectly fine
! You’re projecting
all of your problems on to me, when my life is perfectly fine. I’m not endangering myself, my life, or my future. I know what I’m doing, and I’m doing what I want to do, and if you can’t understand or accept it -- you can all GO TO HELL
(The Three annoying friends are momentarily stunned, and taken aback
FRIEND 3: Come on guys, he’s not going to listen
FRIEND 2: If you realize you have a problem, I want you to know that we’ll be there for you. But until then, we can’t associate
with you any more. Watching you hurt yourself like this is just too much.
(They look down, and start to walk offstage
FRIEND 3: So… want to smoke some crack
back at my place?
FRIEND 1: Yeah, that’d be great! I’ve got a new pipe
to try out.
(Exit annoying friends.)
IRONER: Oh, the irony
(He begins to iron again. Lights out.)