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The people of Jamster thank the Gods on a regular basis for vapid office workers lacking any trace of personality, intelligence or wit. The common garden Nokia-wielding chav is worth his fake bling's weight in gold to these soul-sucking demons. From the ditzy blonde behind the perfume counter to the Neanderthal boy racer - Jamster will have a secure customer base for as long as stupid people dominate this increasingly uncultured nation.

Jamster sell Crazy Frog.

Ring tones, eh? Instant expressions of personality in one tidy package. Why be an interesting person when £3 will buy you a bleepy rendition of a popular song to show everybody exactly what sort of person you are? These perverted purveyors of polyphonic piffle know how to get you hooked - repetitive, infectiously annoying trash is the order of the day. The only escape plan involves selling your television, permanently unplugging the radio, burning all newspapers on sight, and perforating your ear drums with a screwdriver.

Who Is Crazy Frog?

Look, let's get it straight. It's not a who, it's a what. That filthy frog is in no way, shape or form sentient. Crazy Frog manifests itself across various mediums, most intended for mobile phones. Its most common representation is the "real sound" ring tone, an inescapable sample of an unfunny recycled Internet meme. Also on offer is the hilariously awful monophonic tone (how can you represent digital sound with a precarious arrangement of bleeps? This tone demonstrates how drastically such an attempt can miss the mark), wallpaper, and the creme de la creme of tackiness - the video ring tone.

The main attraction of the frog is the sound it makes, a vocal imitation of a motorcycle - "di-dididingdingdingding-POP-da-daadadadadadadada-brrring-brrring-WWHHEEEEEE!". Yep, that's it. The sound was originally recorded in 1997 by one Daniel Malmedahl, who was completely unaware of how his impersonation would later manifest itself as the epitome of irritation. Six years later, Daniel's friend Erik Wernquist created a computer generated animation of a frog on an invisible moped acting out this sound, christening the finished product with the highly appropriate name, "The Annoying Thing".

To those of you familiar with Crazy Frog, please don't blame this innocent pair. They know not what they do.

Jamster know exactly what sells to idiots, and so bought The Annoying Thing from Daniel and Erik, repackaged it as Crazy Frog and plugged it via web banners and every commercial break on British satellite television. The company have made over £10,000,000 from Crazy Frog this year alone.

Loathsome.

Castrated Frog Bollocks

Hooray! Harm the little bastard.

Concerned mothers have been complaining, as concerned mothers tend to do. You see, the Crazy Frog animation doesn't leave anything to the imagination regarding groinal-based amphibian equipment. As a result, many Crazy Frog advertisements have the frog's balls covered up by a black square. It's one step forward - if we can just manage to get his voice silenced and hideous visage censored...

Pop

Not content with offending those of us with I.Q.s beyond double figures, somebody has made a techno-style song sampling the frog's voice. Chart success is inevitable, despite the "artist" being more deserving of a full exile from the British isles.

Going yet one step further, today (23rd May 2005) is the release date of the Crazy Frog/Axel F mix. This is likely to do well in the charts, perhaps even make number 1 as novelty singles often do.

Please God. Kill me.

Update (May 30th, 2005): Crazy Frog has indeed reached number 1 in the British singles chart. Perhaps this is the plateau of the awful craze, and we can look forward to the decline of the frog's popularity amongst plebeians with short attention spans. As soon as the subsequent pretentious dorks have stopped flogging the dead amphibian for the sake of being ironic*, we can perhaps look forward to its complete demise and banishment to the history books.

*It always happens. "I have confounded your expectations by liking things you expect me to despise! I am full of depth! Now, time to write my latest article for Pitchfork Media".

You can see Crazy Frog at http://www.jamster.co.uk/. Don't.

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