It's been a while since I've written much here. I have missed you all, the friends I've made here. There's been some stuff bouncing around in my head for a little while. I'm not sure if I can get it out into this daylog, or if I'll even post this, but I will try. I axed a bunch of my daylogs a couple of months ago, and only kept the ones that had C!s. They're archived in my drafts, I just want to assert this for posterity sake I guess. I've been working on a really big writeup but it's a lot of work... maybe it will be finished by the end of the year.
My Illness
For those of you who don't know, I have a genetic illness that makes me unable to work. We still haven't found the right mix of medication. It's been four and a half years of looking for medication, and I'm wearing thin. Sometimes I'll sit alone and close my eyes and just try to clear my head. There's so many emotions in me right now and I'm not sure how I feel about any of this, or about my life. Sometimes the neurotic feelings just overwhelm me and I just sit and wait for them to pass. It feels paralytic, somehow; it feels like I can't move or think, I just sit there and take deep breaths.
I never thought it would be like this. When I was younger, I thought I had it all figured out. My life seemed so straightforward. I was going to go to school, get my degree, find a job as a software developer, and make dump trucks of money. Easy peasy. Since then, it's just been curveball after curveball. Diagnosis. Therapy. Medication after medication after medication after medication.
One of my closest friends told me the other day that he was praying for me and the phrase "Matthew 8:6" came into his mind. "My servant sits paralyzed and suffering greatly." He could have been lying. Maybe God gave it to him. Anything's possible.
I had a dissociative experience almost two months ago now. It was the strangest experience of my life. It changed me. It confirmed a lot of things for me, I think. I'm never fully present, I guess. I always thought it was mental illness. Derealization. I know now that it's the default state of being, at least for me, and that there are limiters in our minds that make us feel present. I wonder what it would feel like to get my hands under my cheekbones. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, or why I'm writing about it here. It's just on my mind.
In other news, I am considering applying for disability. I just don't know if I'll be able to go back on it in the future1 if I go on it now and then get off once we find a good medication balance. I'm just... well, I'm out of money, and I owe a lot to my parents, not to mention tens of thousands in student loans. I think there's maybe 10 bucks in my account right now. I got approved for student loan forgiveness, but the courts are blocking it right now. I'm hoping they give me a little extra money so I can pay my parents back for the plane tickets they bought me. I'm guessing it won't be able to cover all my loans though, my balance is pretty big at the moment.
I've been struggling a lot lately with suicidal thoughts. A couple of nights I felt like I was fighting myself to not attempt suicide. I don't know if I believe that suicide is morally wrong. I don't think I do. I just... I don't want to hurt the people that care about me, and I know that it will hurt them if I hurt myself, so I'm trying to soldier through. It's just hard when there's no end in sight. Will I be better in a year? Ten years? A month? There's no way of knowing. It's depressing.
I prayed for a long time yesterday, maybe a couple of hours. I honestly don't think I feel God at all anymore like I used to think I did. I just... I don't know. If an omniscience exists, my prayers will find their way to Him (or It?). Victor Hugo said something similar, that even though he wasn't religious he still prayed, "your prayers will find their way to God." I don't think I'm religious anymore. I still pray.
Valheim
My brother and I went in on a server for a video game we both play, called Valheim. I might node valheim sometime in the near future. The premise is that Odin sends his mightiest warriors to a purgatorial world called "valheim"; it is a brutal land, meant to test their resolve.
It's been a wonderful distraction for me, mainly because I can build in this game. It's brutally difficult, and getting the resources takes a lot of time, which makes building even more fun. I'm currently working on a monster zoo. I would like to acquire every type of monster, but currently I'm working on the big ones. Luring an Abomination from the swamp all the way to a little zigarrut-pit that I built is going to take dozens of hours, but it will be worth it. I'll post it to reddit, maybe get some karma.
It's just nice to have a positive distraction in my life. It helps me not to feel so bad, and it gives me something I can do with my brother, who lives in another state.
HTML
My HTML and CSS final project is due in two days, a mock website for an animal shelter. The nice thing about this is that I am allowed to use Bootstrap, which is wonderful and amazing because it's automatically responsive; my columns scale down when I narrow the webpage for mobile view. The only downside is just how tedious it is. I don't have much mental stamina these days, so it will be a struggle to complete, but I am hoping to get a good grade on it. My grade in the class isn't stellar, but I'm passing.
Miscellany
My website is back. It went down for a couple of months and I made a very expensive mistake with dynamic DNS and changing my host, but it's back on wordpress. I need to add a bunch of stuff to it... I just haven't had the energy.
I'm considering selling my two favorite Pokemon cards. I love them a lot, but... I need the money, and I know I can get 40 or 50 bucks for them. I spent the last of my money on an online trigonometry course, I would like to work ahead before I take trig next semester.
I've been using decision randomizers lately, and... honestly, I think I'm starting to become a little superstitious. I tell myself that to say aloud a phrase such as "If I roll below 10 I will do x, if I roll over 10 I will do y" and then I'll roll a d20. The d20 is sacred. I bought a little d20 dice cage necklace for 10 bucks (it hasn't arrived yet) but I am hoping that it will allow me to bring my decision randomizer everywhere without losing it. I do not have very good hand-eye coordination and I can't flip coins because my hands shake too badly from my medication.
1. If I ever need to go back on it again after going off it, for some reason. Anything's possible, I guess. What if I need it more in the future than I do now?