Today I am angry and annoyed. Frustrated by the things that are beyond my control that I still keep trying to hang onto. I forgot to make an appointment to see the chiropractor yesterday. I'm looking forward to going to the curling open house tonight. I don't really have the money to join, but I can ask if they have any memberships at reduced rates, and even if they don't it will be an opportunity to get out of the house and meet some new people. Last night I had a dream that I was staring at a blank row of concrete blocks. I was scared in the dream, but I couldn't really say why today. In real life my ex put his bicycle built for two into the garage. He had mentioned that he had moved the snow blower up for me, after more than twenty years of knowing him I still forget that he does things that benefit himself first and if it happens to benefit someone like his ex wife he'll kill those two birds with one stone.
I had been talking to the guy that I broke up with, but now he's been moved to my list of people I don't care to interact with anymore. He hadn't been feeling well at Christmas. We had exchanged some emails where he told me he didn't feel productive. Monday is a busy day for him, I sent him a very short email and he sent back such a rude reply I can't think of anything I would want to say to him or hear from him. I guess it's good to notice that before I got too deeply into anything again. He reminds me of my ex and that alone is enough to make me shudder. We still follow each other on Twitter. I'll wait a while before I unfollow him. I should have known a Cardinals fan wouldn't be someone in my life for long. That was a joke, but not a very funny one. Yesterday I made some progress on the book situation. I moved the little bookcase from my youngest daughter's room into mine and filled it with favorites.
My bookcase isn't where I want it to be, few things in life are. After a conversation with my sister I went back to my anxiety and sleep meds. I practiced good sleep hygiene and habits last night. That was more progress. It's better to take the meds and get as much sleep as I possibly can as long as I have access to the medication than it is for me to get lesser quantities of interrupted sleep that leave me restless, irritable, and more easily provoked. I'm still trying to shake off the sleep hangover, that's one of the reasons I dislike taking things to help me sleep. This medication in particular leaves me feeling drugged for a while after I woke up. I think I first woke up just before seven, but I stayed in bed until nine since I was cozy and warm. I probably drifted back off to sleep again, but I don't really remember that so maybe it doesn't really count.
Yesterday I played games with the girls for almost an hour after lunch. After supper we did some art projects. Jill drew a Doctor Who picture that she has yet to finish. Jane colored slips of paper and turned them into butterflies with glittery wings. I googled how to make snowflakes since I was searching for a project everyone else did in art class that I missed. I found a book called Think Twice that I had forgotten about. It's a would your rather scenario that I thought would be a way to spend more time with the girls. Yesterday we played Banangrams after a game of Uno resulted in a fight between the girls. Holding them at the table and diverting their attention was more progress, by the end of the day I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I could have gone to bed at six, but an article I read on sleep issues for people with bipolar disorder recommends going to bed tired rather than laying down during the day.
Routine is key to minimizing mood fluctuations according to another article I read. A different article stated that the four key times were waking up, starting work or chores, the first interactions with others, and dinner time. I didn't make it to the library today, our driveway is still snowy. My step-dad is coming out to help us figure out how to use the snowblower. The girls told me that my ex is going to New York. I'm furious that he lets the girls eat a bunch of junk, doesn't enforce bedtimes, runs them down, and then drops them off at my place for the upcoming week. Jane has a serious sore throat so I made chicken soup for her. Yesterday she ate chocolate for breakfast. I had left the bag she had been given out on the counter, she has a habit of getting up after I've gone to bed to sneak candy or other treats. I'm so sick of my kids being addicted to sugar that they sit down and eat half a bag of it in a setting. I know I would have done the same thing at their age, but it's frustrating to me at mine.
I feel at loose ends today. I want to go through clothes with the girls. They're sick of this, but I'm tired of them leaving clothes laying around and then dropping them down the laundry chute whenever they're told to clean their rooms. I should be okay with a lazy day, but I feel restless and agitated despite being really tired. I've been better about mixing up relaxing music and more upbeat songs. The girls really stress me out. Anything that calms me and them down is something I need to be doing more of despite the difficulty of it at times. This morning I put a chuck roast in the crock pot. I noticed that the lid isn't a tight fit. I'm thinking of buying a better one. The kind my sister has is really nice, but the rebellious kid in me is resisting spending my money on a mundane and boring purchase that is emminently practical and time saving since a lot of heat is escaping through that lid.
Late last night I started working on a menu, but I was so tired and ornery that I didn't get very far. My daily binder isn't working for me today, I'm trying something new with it. Instead of writing what I would like to accomplish I'm making a list of things I actually did. The idea there is that I can look back at a day of accomplishments instead of seeing the things I wanted to do or thought I could tackle that remain unchecked at the end of the day. I didn't do a goal sheet today, maybe a goal of mine can be to relax and chill. Another idea I had was to do movie day with the girls. I can tell them that I appreciate them playing games with me and imply that the movie day with mom is a reward for the games they didn't feel like playing. Jill kept hurting Jane yesterday. Finally I went into the bathroom where Jane was crying and asked Jill why she kept injuring Jane.
When she said she didn't know I tried to take a deep mental breath along with my physical inhalation. I felt pretty calm when I asked if she wanted attention. She admitted she did and then I was so stunned I didn't know what to think or say or do. I feel terrible that I have so little tolerance for the things she loves. I despise Doctor Who, Supernatural, and some of the other shows she's binge watching when she can get away with it. Her dad watches those types of shows and also has a habit of sitting in front of a screen for hours late at night and then being super difficult and unpleasant the next morning. For years he claimed that the amount of sleep he got had no impact on his mood. I was tempted to counter with somethink like, yeah, being a dick when you wake up is easier than being cheerful, but I never did. More recently he did make a statement about feeling better after getting more sleep. I need to let go. She's not him, I can't project onto her.
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Update, my internet wasn't working so I had to take a break. More on my snow shoveling and game playing tomorrow...