Though flippant, the below test is paraphrased from the materials on the Canadian government's own citizenship site. Maybe it's time to ask yourself....

Can YOU Emigrate to Canada?

Are you already living in Canada? If so, then you may not emigrate to Canada, according to the strict regulations of the 2004 Emigration Denotation Act. Arguments that your neighborhood "isn't really IN Canada, per se, I mean, it's so weird around here that it's practically an alternate universe version of the country," or "has so many Americans and other freaks living here that we might as well be on American soil" will no longer be considered as valid exceptions.

If you are absolutely sure that you are not currently living in Canada, and still wish to emigrate to Canada, consider the following questions.

1. Do you have a lot of money? You must have sufficient funds to support yourself for six months after you arrive. If you are sad, lonely, and single, you must have $9,420 for the first six months. If you are supporting a family, you will need more. Please note that that is nine thousand, four hundred and twenty Canadian dollars. Consult your local bank for the current exchange rate. For example, Americans may wish to consider a weekend of panhandling or a simple yard sale before applying.

You must have this money before you arrive. Do not try to argue that we said "you must have funds after you arrive." We know what we said. Also, do not try to borrow this money from someone else. We will check it for other people's fingerprints if necessary. We are watching you. Also, if you carry more than $10,000 in Canadian cash without telling us ahead of time, we will take it and put you in jail. Even if it's in stocks, which we've heard some of you billionaires like to use as currency. We don't appreciate you rich Americans moseying around here with your wacky fistfuls of cash and your Rolls-Royces. Have some common decency!

2. Do you already have a job lined up here? If so, you do not need to prove that you have a lot of money. Sorry we didn't mention this earlier. But hey, it's not like you have a job yet. I mean, come on.

3. Is your job on the list of restricted occupations? Ha ha - gotcha! We don't restrict anything! What -- it's a damn big country! Watch it, though -- if we don't like the caliber of would-be citizens, we're clamping down on you so fast! We know there's an election coming up in the United States!

4. Do you speak English and French? You can get up to 24 points for your language skills. You only have to speak one of these. But if either one isn't your native language, you'd better be prepared for extensive and rigorous testing. We're not taking any high-school "Ou est le chat? Le singe est sur le branche" crap. Eddie Izzard already tried that one. And now he lives in England.

5. Did you have good attendance in school? Ha! You thought that no one would care about that after you graduated! Well, think again! If you have 17 years of full-time study, and two post-secondary degrees, you get twenty-five whole points! If not, well, you'd better study the chart. Please note that if you do not have a Master's or equivalent post-college degree, you must have a three-year diploma. Please do not come whining to us about your four-year colleges. We do not care.

6. Do you fit into our key demographics? We already have enough youngsters and old people. And when we say old, we mean fifty and up. We're not saying that we'll turn you away if you're not 18-49 years of age, but we're not awarding you any of those juicy ten points that the right people get. After all, our marketing executives have to fill their study groups and advertising audiences somehow! And we've found that importing new customers is just so much faster than breeding them ourselves.

7. Will you like it here? Before you get too eager, please note that we decide this, not you. If you have some post-secondary education, you will like it here. If you have family members here - but not friends - you will like it here. If you have worked here already, you will like it here. If you have a job here already, or took some classes here, you will like it here. Otherwise, kiss these ten possible points goodbye.

8. Did you get lots of points on our online quiz? What do you mean, you haven't taken the quiz? Haven't you been reading this? Start counting on your fingers already! All right - if you must use computerized assistance to gauge this, check out But we're knocking off a couple of points.

We here in Canada hope this helps you prepare for your upcoming mass exodus. Remember, we call our dollars "loonies," Toronto is "Hogtown," and the letter Z is pronounced "zed." And here's a secret very few people know: you get an extra point each time you say "eh" to an immigration official! Try it - and welcome to Canada!

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