I don't see anything attractive about me, physically, emotionally, or personality-wise. I can't imagine why anyone would WANT to be with me.
We've all thought it at one point or another. Or most of us anyway.
To feel wanted is a mind-boggling experience.
- What do my friends find so wonderful about me that they'd want to waste their time being with me?
- Why do they care?- What did I do to deserve their sympathy and support when I'm down?
- What's so beautiful about me that makes this/these guy(s) want to kiss me and be with me?
- Why do shy people look up to me as a role model?
I'm as shy and
self-concious as the rest of them. I've had people describe me as "
outgoing," and I just can't fathom it. I suppose I
do talk a lot with people, and try to be friendly... but outgoing? I've always thought of myself as a
bystander (probably from years of
torment by my peers through elementary and junior highschool). But then, I turn around to hear one of my friends say she wishes she were more like me- had
real friends, who wouldn't leave; could be at
social ease; could have someone
genuinely care about her.
*scratches head* Someone genuinely cares about me? My friends aren't going to one day tire of me and leave my side? I'm at
social ease?
*boggles* Throughout my life, it's seemed that
no one stood by me, even the people who I thought "genuinely cared" for me. I've always been
stronger by myself. I talk in groups and
say what I think- that doesn't mean
people like me. What good is being social, if you're
apprehensive about it? Okay, so to be honest, I've trained myself. Trained myself
not to care what people think about me. Trained myself
not to take anything for granted (ie- I don't
ASSUME that anyone likes me, and I don't
need their
approval or
friendship- it's only a nice
luxury). Trained myself to at least
try to be outgoing.
All during highschool and even more so the many years before, I was a
shy girl who
huddled by her lonesome, sometimes with a few close friends, and never spoke up or did anything for herself. It's
a cycle you can't break. Once a group of people have a
perception of you, it tends to stick, clinging to you infinitely. Thank god I came to
college. I met wonderful people here who actually
listened to what I had to say, and treated me as an
equal. Amazing. Yet I still hold on to these
insecurities.
It's funny- one of my friends told me the same basic thing, and I boggled and told her that I couldn't imagine why anyone would
not want to be with her. Then, when I told her how I sometimes feel the same way, she
parrotted my reply back to me. Perhaps we all view ourselves the
same, and we all view others the same way they view us. So, suppose we all put aside our insecurities and let ourselves
believe each other? It's a
defense mechanism, these insecurities- but what a fine world it would be if we could make them
disappear.