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1. What is your name?

Jet Poop of E2, this is amnesiac from the year 2011, i.e. the future, it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I am in the future now, none of my story contains any details from the future that will change the past but it does contain a spoiler for Kafka's 'The Trial' but seriously if you haven't read that yet then fuck you.

I joined E2 at the beginning of the last millennium, childless, barren, riddled with cancer, barely able to write my own name, cursed with myopia of the eyes and worldview, my overgrown fingernails turning in on themselves in concentric spirals as my claw-hands punched spasmodically at the keys of a Dell Personal Computer, I certainly possessed no markup skills. My initial username, or 'noder name' as we used to affectionately call it, was akf2000; a haphazard and ill-advised portmanteau of my initials and the model of that season's Ferrari Formula 1 car, but at least no one else thought of it, and to this day it remains in the top 5% of available usernames on any website.

I cured myself of the cancer I made-up and taught myself the markup language, E2ML as we used to affectionately call it.  Before any of this happened, and what I should have begun with, is that I read ToasterLeavings' seminal 'You be needing my wisdoms bad' writeup, but before that I found E2 which was linked via Slashdot. Chronologically-speaking it was Slashdot > ToasterLeavings' seminal writeup > made-up cancer necessary for the plot > Dell PC.

I can still vividly remember introducing my wife to E2, she sat at the Dell, whilst formatting a recipe for chickpea curry into E2ML that still exists to this day, and proclaimed "we don't need a TV anymore, we have E2". It was a ridiculous statement to make and I beat her severely. In the future a paradigm shift occurs and domestic violence is funny, there's no point trying to explain it.

In time I became proficient at E2ML, mastering superscript and subscript at the nexus of Wikipedia and Social Media. E2 had given me a platform for my poetry, pure expression that flowed from my wrist without even needing proof-reading, I didn't even get tired. After realising my username was holding me back I changed it to amnesiac, this was in no way related to the Radiohead album but to cause doubt in people's minds I did node the album because I like symmetry more than common sense. My new name was proving to be a hit in a way that letters followed by numbers could never be. I became more confident in my abilities and managed to get rid of a number of opponents using my newly acquired sociopathy, the first to go was stand/alone/bitch who I despised for saying 'sammiches'. I became an Apple Mac user. I wrote my 2nd favourite writeup, 'The E2 Arranged marriage registry' where I wrote the following: "he was surprised by the hospitality of the locals and the locality of the hospitals", which I was inordinately proud of, I think is worthy of a great-ish writer. Approximately 5 years after reading ToasterLeavings' seminal writeup I wrote my own and it was called Teh Passion of the Christ, an incredibly simple story from the point-of-view of myself watching the film The Passion of the Christ and not understanding Aramaic. That writeup made me more proud than just about anything I can remember doing on E2, I realised I had a talent for the absurd that didn't have an outlet in my banking job. I also made prophetic and disparaging remarks regarding the events of 9/11 during the events of 9/11.

I then moved into what I now know to be Phase 3; the complete domination of the user-base using nothing but the force of my personality.

It was during Phase 3 that I was banned and all my writeups deleted.

My treatment at the hands of the E2 management is perhaps one of the most disgraceful episodes of the site and when you consider that guy who made a hoax bomb call it's really saying something. The list of my innovations is too long for me to go into and modesty prevents it but someone else should definitely do it, why hasn't this been done? I think I invented the term 'reverse softlink', anything beginning with 'reverse' is mine. But what am I know for? certainly none of my innovations which also included the Friday Lunchtime caption competition wherein I launched the career of RalphyK who was published on the BBC Website and as a result lead to him making movies. Nor am I known for my generous financial aid, for example monetising the very first Hate Quest or buying Witchiepoo's children Christmas presents following her relationship breakup, or transferring 75 cents by PayPal to TheBooBooKitty who was, and probably still is, utterly destitute. I am filled with revulsion.

None of those things are remembered, I have been whitewashed from E2 history; everyone there is guilty, I am Josef K taken outside and shot, I am the mother of the disappeared in Argentina, I am actually one of the disappeared, I am Aung San Suu Kyi, I am Nelson Mandela, I am Ai Weiwei, I am all the world's aboriginal peoples. I am also Bobby Sands.

It's really quite amazing to me that a unique force of nature, someone just trying to kick a bit of life into proceedings, can not be accommodated by a supposed liberal/ progressive community, that even then the mob-rule means the crucification of the outlier, I am also Jesus in that respect.

Of all the things written about me I like the story of the small orphan child who wrote me a letter, "thank you, amnesiac, for putting a bit of life into these bastard fucks for a few years, they're all bastards and they deleted all your writeups, you were better than all of them and they feared you, even though you never had any power you were the most powerful of all because you had the truth". Yes, small orphan child, but do not fill your heart with rage, hush now, because I am in the wind, I am the blossom on a tree in spring, I am the spread of democracy in Arabia, I am the Basel III requirements for increased capital ratios.

:: Questions 2 to 8 not considered appropriate to a being who exists as pure consciousness. ::

9. Who are your favorite noders? Which ones do you miss the most?

There is one person left amongst you, I'm being quite genuine here, a man who is working at least 5 levels above you all, whose mind I was in awe of, I actually used to stop myself from talking to him directly in case I 'broke' that spell, actually it was more that I felt really unworthy, so I'd use someone else as a foil to get them to say stuff. I hope they know who they are, I won't ruin them by association. I have NEVER understood why more people don't see it.

10. Who would play you in the Everything2 movie?

Justin Long

Everything2 Decaversary Interviews

If you have questions or comments, please contact amnesiac (though he's not currently a noder, so he won't be able to read private /msg's) or Jet-Poop.

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