display | more...

Hello, Sexy Camp Counselor here. I have obtained, from sources within the Federal Bureau of Investigation, this report on all the cockfighting that went on during past nodermeets. This is posted for informational porpoises, and for the historical record, entered into forthwith.

 

Findings

After months of interviews, evidence gathering, and crime scene recreation, we have uncovered ample evidence that cockfighting was a frequent activity during evertyhing2.com nodermeets during from the years 2002 through 2007. The is what precipitated the raid where 12 former E2 "Gods" and 21 former E2 Content Editors were taken into custody.

The location where these alleged cockfight stagers were taken into custody was an abandoned warehouse that had been converted into a casino and brothel. This is what these individuals had spent the money they made from the everything2 website on. The everything2 website, which is essentially a pyramid scheme that has been defrauding consumers for two decades, had not been as profitable as they hoped. These same characters are wanted in connection with the deaths that happened at the Everything, Kansas commune funded by the website in 2002. Those matters are dealt with elsewhere and are only peripherally related to this report, which is oddly not written in a style that any FBI reports are written. Odd, that. The two founders and leaders of the everything2.com community, Oliver North and G. Gordon Liddy were taken to another location by government agencies from a department unknown to the FBI. Black ops kind of thing.

The landscape was clear. One of the nodermeets was at the site of the failed Everything, Kansas community. The bones, still hanging, bleached white, in the trees, sick stuff they are really, really, really into in that everything2 community, greeted us as we entered the scene. Homeland Security is still combing through evidence regarding the mass deaths which happened there during the first winter when everyone died dressed in Star Trek uniforms. Some of the "noders," as they are called, were apparenly playfully pointing phasers at each other because their bleached, horrorshow skulls have big smiles and the skeleton hand of the author of many great works is holding a plastic phaser and pointing it at another sick, sick, sick everything2 noder carcass. There are so many here.

We located several cock skeletons near a what had apparently been a bonfire. Many had damage to them, indicating that they had been forced to fight each other by sick, sick members of the sick, sick everything2 community, ASCAP. We photographed this conclusive evidence and prepared to meet with the district attorney so we could put these sick bastards behind bars for a long damn time.

We drove to several locatations where nodermeets had been held. While there were no skeletons, some of these nodermeets had been held at houses. We smashed down one door after another on the new residents of these properties. The noders no longer owned the homes. Six people were killed when we opened fire after seeing a man carrying a turkey to the dining room table. They were not noders. They were innocents. We would retaliate by taking at least twelve noder lives once we got our chance. We cocked the fuck out of our guns and went to the next house. We kicked down the door and immediately opened fire. Not one member of that family lived.

We found evidence in the yards of two houses where nodermeets had been held of sandboxes. We know that cockfighting is often staged in sandboxes. We photographed the sandboxes and prepared to meet with the district attorney.

She said we had enough evidence. We went to the home of "Damn Bones," who was apparently one of the heads of this sick, sick everything2.com operation that featured mass deaths and cockfighting. We took him out into the street, in front of his neighbors, in his underwear. We put him in the back of the car. We locked him in a windowless room for six hours, blaring Vanilla Ice hits at him the entire time. We broke him. He gave up 183 people.

We rounded them up. The case is now being heard in a federal grand jury.

May justice be harsh. May justice be served.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.