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IMPORTANT NOTE: Quest was posted earlier and moved at request of administration. It begins now, so start submitting! If you have already sumbitted before, don't worry - just let me know and I'll put it on the list anyhow.

Oi! You! Lardarse!

Know yer name, don't ye?!

E2 is full of recipes, and some are very tasty, very sweet, and very eye-watering (in a good way.) But quite a lot of people don't have time, energy, or even arsedness to cook for themselves, let alone go shopping for zen, ethical, equitable, organic, and low-fat ingredients to put in them. When this happens - and let's be frank, it happens an awful lot and to at least everyone some time in their life - they will go to the dreaded ready meal or fast food joint or questionable chain sandwicherie for nourishment, much to the chagrin of the Healthy Eating Nazis that pervade the land like great... erm, pervading things.

So, in honour of all those comestibles that are eschewed, I propose a quest. A quest for grime. A quest for grease. A quest for dubious nutritional value. In short, a quest for fat, and the foodstuffs that commonly cause you to expand faster, more voraciously, and with less regard for others, than Tesco.


You will have from November 1, 2008 to December 1, 2008, - 30 days, as with most quest round these parts - to do the following.)

1. To node about an item of junk food that's not already been noded, in as much detail as you care to sumbit. By "junk food" I mean something cheap that people know to be unhealthy, but shovel down their gullets anyhow - be it a dodgy burger from a stand in the street after a night on the ale, comfort eating, fast food, or ready meals. What's it like? How godawful is it really? That sort of thing. And don't just stick to meals and things here... biccies, cakes, chockies, and so forth are all fair game. No home-cooked stuff though, other than microwaveables and things that come in foil trays.

2. It must be something that you, personally, have eaten. And use your imagination here! We already have far too much bladder-flailing on the internets about McDonalds and how their food is bland and tasteless and evil and so bad for the environment they might as well switch to personally holding polar bears' heads underwater. Use your imagination, for your father's sake! There's a whole world of low-quality, high-calorie food out there - tell us about it!

3. And don't just tell us what it was you ate, go into the whole dining experience also. See Fondue's writeup on the British burger chain Wimpy for some guidance on this. Was it experienced in a drunken stupor in a town centre at 2am, and then experienced again at 2.30am in reverse, or was it cuddled up on a sofa with endless repeats of Friends?

4. Valid only where advertised. No more than one writeup per user. May not be used in conjunction with any other E2 Quest or offer. Nominal cash value 0.00001p. For full terms and conditions, write to Hazelnut, 24 Stone Place*, Lumpington, Neckbeardshire, England, UP4 GBH, enclosing a stamped addressed envelope and a ticket from a speak-your-weight machine. The Management accepts no responsibility for strokes, heart attacks, liver degradation, personal abuse, breathlessness, sweat, or other medical conditions brought on by entry into this Quest. Besides, I can't be seen to encourage you to stuff your face, now, can I? Joliver would have my guts for inner tubes. And besides, it's for your own good...

5. And last of all, you may be a bona-fide Fat Bastard, but that doesn't mean your writeup has to be. Keep it lean and mean, which is more than can be said for you. Or your mother for that matter.

Rewards and things.

I, Hazelnut, being a veteran porker, will be handing out chings for every writeup submitted before the end of the quest (which will be in exactly 30 days time, so December 1, 2008 at 9.30 pm sharp) that's on topic, as long as you /msg me to tell me what it is you've written. Don't worry if it takes a while for me to get back to you - I have but one C! per day, and anyhow, if I were to ching them all at once, half of them would never get read. Remember - one writeup per user only on this quest...

The winner will be the person who scores the highest in my estimation for their writeup. Don't worry, it's entirely fair and mathematical a process, but I'm not going to tell you what it is because I don't want to and it's more fun that way. They will win the following FABULOUS prizes!

  • A signed photograph of me merrily eating (or attempting to eat, if it tastes like boiled arse) the food item you have noded!

  • Your weight in GP! (Mauler has deigned to sponsor this quest, so it should be okay.)

  • A £10 voucher redeemable at a leading brand of health food stores! (while stocks last)

  • Er...

  • That's it!
  • And that's about it really! Please be aware that Quest entrants and winners may be required to partake in publicity events after the Quest period is over, at my sole discretion. Don't worry, I won't make you pose nude inside a giant hot dog bun. Unless you want to, that is. But then again, what sort of depraved individual would possibly want to see a human bowling ball like you in their birthday suit, eh, grease-stain?

    * = No, mother, I'm not that heavy. Honest.

    E2's Current Obesity Epidemic

    1. Ghetto Burger by Whiskeydaemon.
    2. Doggie Diner by DiscoStan.
    3. pizza sandwich by Junkill.

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