I'm not really a huge fan of football but its the only thing on television on mondays, so I watch a lot of it. Like, I think football is real good entertainment and its fun as hell to watch, but I don't make it out to be the biggest part of my life. Like those guys who show up at games with their faces painted. Those guys realize that a whole lot of people would be uncomfortable with doing that for their religion right?
"Look I know it might sound ridiculous but just paint your face and body green and yellow and put this huge friggin piece of cheese on your head and you'll get into paradise. Come on, like its any more ridiculous than blowing up the world trade center, or cutting a piece of your dick off to show dedication to God, or not having sex before you get married."
"I don't know. Am I going to have to do this in an arena of 200,000 people and have my face shown like this on national television? Is my whole family going to see this? Will my girlfriend see it?"
"Yes. Its going on YouTube too."
"Ah fuck it then, I'm packing shorts for the afterlife."
But these guys will actually pay money to do it. It could even be the highlight of their life.
I know guys that have lost relationships cause their girlfriends were jealous of their commitment to their sports team. Guys whose love for Brett Favre or whatever athlete borders on incredibly homosexual, incredibly obsessive, and I don't even know what they do in the privacy of their own homes. Just what they do when they are really, really drunk in a bar full of only other men and they're watching Brett Favre inspire them.
Don't get me wrong, I like Brett Favre. Brett Favre is a guy that has allowed himself to become a joke, and as a good joke, he can be really fucking hilarious sometimes.
I was actually watching Brett Favre play recently only because I was pretty stoned and stuck to the couch, and he was playing on ESPN which was already on the TV, so I wasn't anticipating it, but I witnessed this absolutely awe-inspiring Brett Favre moment.
It was honestly probably one of the most humbling moments I've ever witnessed in professional sports.
Are you ready?
Picture this if you will.
It starts raining, but its not just a light rain.
Its the hardest fucking rain I've ever seen caught on camera. There is hail coming down so hard that I can hear it denting the camera that the game is being filmed with. The ground isn't a grassy field anymore, but a brown lake with grass floating in it. And in this Category 4 Hurricane that God himself appears to have sent into the stadium just to actually, finally, bring the centuries that Brett Favre has walked this earth to an end, as only God can kill that which is immortal.
But Brett Favre, the fearless leader, he stands tall and proud in front of the sidelines and looks back at the bench, at his teammates that have been judged not good enough to be playing in the game right now by his coaches and/or are not actually expected to play in actual football games against other NFL teams as part of their job as a Minnesota Viking, and I swear, he says something like this:
"KEEP YOUR SHIRTS ON BOYS,
ITS JUST A LITTLE MIST"
Now, Brett Favre is either clearly really good at acting like a badass sometimes, in his own cliched way, or he has been sacked too many times to feel cold weather. Either way, I would have been impressed, but he ended the game by throwing an interception that lost it all for them after they were in position to win, so I wasn't.
And then he started to cry.
This, of course, is the moment I was talking about. Brett Farve, after losing a game five weeks into the season, of his 20 season career in the NFL, starts to break down and cry. On camera, on national television, in an arena of 200,000 people, with his family watching.
And his rival, a Mark Sanchez who honestly can't believe his eyes, then turns to his bench, not knowing hes now on camera as well, and asks if hes actually seeing real fucking tears shed by Brett Favre, who Mark Sanchez actually grew up watching play. And then Sanchez proceeds to rip the shit out of him for it.
Look, I don't care how progressive you are towards male display of emotion. You can't be a quarterback and immediately start crying because you lost Game 5. Like, seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? That is fucking pathetic. You're the team captain, you're the star. Its football, the season is long, losses happen, and early in the season, they don't matter that much. Are you going to cry every time you lose now? Is it OK now for everybody else on the team to cry because the quarterback is crying? Its really sad, in a this is far too personally revealing way, to see a grown-ass man with mostly grey hair cry over something like that while he knows millions, about one for every dollar hes making this year, of people are watching him like they do every week. Its sad to see the oldest veteran in anything cry over a meaningless loss in anything, but especially in the hyper-macho ball sport said, and boasted by diehard fans, to most accurately emulate real warfare.
Its even more ridiculous after his attempt at a battle rally that failed to affect the outcome of the game, where he did his best to look like some kind of magical, pep-talk spouting, Sergeant Black Sergeant from the latest Iraq War cash-in film.
By the way, if you haven't noticed by now, almost every Sergeant in war movies that comes out now is black. Thats because Hollywood finally got forced to start letting black people be seen as leaders, but they're still evil enough to make sure the ones with any screen time are outranked to the point of irrelevence by their white officers, who almost always have so much power that their orders HAVE to be followed, regardless of what sergeant black sergeant feels is right. Or regardless if hes the only one who's opinion makes a shred of any fucking sense at all.
He then serves another use in this sense, by not letting the white leads get ordered around and not be able to do anything about it instead of him. The token black guy gets sent in to make the argument to high white command that is destined to fail every single time so nobody else has to deal with it, and hes the one who in person has to suffer the humiliation of being established as simply a tool by rich, highly educated, powerful and dangerous white people who, would never, ever say it on camera in the name of "Support our Troops", but at the end of the day see a $50 million dollar helicopter that they own as much, much more valuable than him, a human. Or even 20 guys like him. And are unable to think of them as anything but walking, talking, expendable, replacable, meat-covered utensils, little more than willing slaves ready to die in the killing fields for their masters. Or maybe thats not just Hollywood racism, but if its not I don't think Hollywood is that clever.
To be honest though.... I WAS impressed that Brett Favre was able to accurately predict when the storm would start based solely on a feeling he always gets in his arthritic knee exactly 30 minutes before the first drop of rain falls. But if you think that is impressive, in a couple concussions Brett will know what the weather is going to be like in the future because Elvis Presley is on the sideline with him to give the forecast to him.
Look I'm sorry if you thought that one was low, but Brett Favre already has his moments where he thinks hes leading 10 actual fellow Vikings with horned hats and metal armor into battle against the legendary Redskins who hail from the land of Washington across the mystic Western ocean that hes heard the bards sing about around the campfire.
I'm sorry, really. Mental illness is no laughing matter, especially not when it happens to people who built their legend and fortune acquiring it. Brett is an NFL legend. The oldest man to ever hold his position and likely the oldest man to do so much from it that there ever will be, an icon, a hero, a role model, hes a future hall of famer that will one day affectionately be referred to as "NFL's Ronald Reagan".
What, are you laughing at Reagan? Are you sick? Have some respect for the dead. Don't you know that Reagan was the first puppet conservative to actually be operated as a puppet towards the end of his Presidency? George Bush Senior made his career in Washington by figuring out how to make Reagan look like he was talking coherently by sticking his hand all the way up Reagan's ass to move his mouth around.
For that, and many more sacrifices the man made, Reagan is an American hero. A real patriot. I remember his funeral, it was so touching, Nancy Reagan lying down to say goodbye on his casket for so long... then pulling out her life alert and hitting it cause she'd broken her hip and couldn't get up.
Nancy Reagan is another great woman in American history. Nancy Reagan came up with "Just Say No" to drugs and alcohol. Her husband had the CIA invent crack cocaine and sell it in bulk to black neighborhoods along with guns to finance their clandestine wars and operations that they can't go to Congress for approval on because they'd never get it, and he never was really prosecuted for it primarily because he actually forgot that he ever did that. Truly, the most influential couple in the history of the war on drugs, as they so aspired to be.
...But back to the NFL. Because the NFL has a lot of really bright people in it. Who we should talk about.
Plaxico Burress managed to find a way to shoot a .45 down the front of his pants while he was "shoot a gun down my pants drunk"-drunk, without blowing his dick off...That's pretty hard to do...especially when you're 6'5" 235lbs and shooting a bullet that caliber. What, did you think I was going to say because hes black? That's an urban legend dumbass. The funny thing is that he went to jail for it, not for shooting a gun in a nightclub, or being a risk to his own safety outside of a cage, but because he wasn't legally allowed to have that handgun. For like, permit reasons. Cause he hadn't ever gotten around to getting the right forms for his extremely deadly handgun that he doesn't know how to use. Dude just didn't have the time for it. No paperwork made it a crime, not because keeping Plaxico Burress from legally owning firearms might be a good idea.
JaMarcus Russell recently became the first man in the history of business to eat himself out of a $60 million dollar contract he'd negotiated for himself. Apparently nobody told him that you can't be a professional athelete only 1 day a week, four months out of the year, or that you actually CAN be fired in Oakland for never showing up to your job unless you're high on promethazine and codeine and unable to actually perform better than the 3rd guy they'd found to replace you.
I miss the XFL. The XFL was the only "real" football league there ever was, a league where they let you put whatever the fuck you wanted on the back of your jersey, like "He Hate Me". Not this bullshit where they made Chad Johnson legally change his name to Chad Ochocinco so he could put it on the back of his jersey like he decided with Captain Morgan one night.
Thats ridiculous. Making him get a legal name change like that just to put what he wants on HIS jersey. That guy has 4 kids. Would you want to be in school the first day and have your name called when its Ochocinco Junior? Yeah, yeah, I know, hes a multimillionaire... and theres no way you could believe kids in schools in Cincinatti where 1 out of 5 families is below the poverty line and 1 out of 2 families is black give a fuck about that. Not when he blows it in the playoffs every single year. Ocho Junior is getting jacked for his lunch money every god damn day.
Speaking of football sons, Joe Montana's son was the starting quartback for my rival college when I went there. At uh, Pasadena Community College. It has to kinda suck to be one of the greatest football quarterbacks of all time, a guy my mom, who has never met Joe Montana, decided to name me after just cause of his football ability, to be a guy like Joe Montana and see your son playing at the community college level. Like you can't get a scholarship to go to an actual fucking university if you're actually talented at football at all. You can be border-line retarded and go to an Ivy League with half of Joe Montana's ability.
Joe Montana actually had a borderline-retarded guy on his team when he played at Notre Dame. He was called Rudy and they made an inspirational movie about him starring one of the hobbits from Lord of the Rings. The one Frodo was clearly a faggot Baggins for. Gays if you didn't like that one, I'm sorry, but I've already pissed off conservatives, blacks, prohibitionists, football fans, the military, the religious, advocates for the retarded, the retarded, and promethazine abusers. You're welcome to join the mob waiting to jump me and punch at me with a limp wrist.
PCC arguably isn't even the best community college people in Pasadena go to. Half the town is split on whether GCC or PCC is better, and its kinda like an argument over which is better, Coke or Pepsi, if they both in real life actually contained diarrhea instead of caffeine. But even do if they taste like, and actually contain, bacteria-laden human shit, at least we can all agree they're at least both better than DeVry or ITT Tech, which are sort of like Vanilla Coke....
This concludes my paper on the Presidency of Ronald Reagan.