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"What's it going to be then, eh?" - A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

The feeling of violence without the activity, I think this feeling was particularly acute in my teenage years, when mindless violence was not encouraged, but the need for it was felt. I wanted to throw people against walls and destroy inanimate objects. I wanted to be act out my unanswered aggression.

I can still feel it sometimes, especially when I'm angry. It feels like the blood leaves my brain and goes into my arms, I want to lash out at somebody, I want to crush them. I don't know if this is a common feeling, but it certainly didn't feel common, at least not for girls. My girlfriends didn't understand why rather than heal a breakup with a tub of ice cream and hugs, I wanted to go to the batting cages.

I lived (and still live) a relatively nonviolent life. I don't believe in violence for violence's sake, and I certainly don't want to hurt anyone or anything. Is this some sort of festering facet of my barbaric ancestry or some testosterone imbalance? I don't know.

But this is the visceral feeling without the act. I don't have to let it out, but my body can feel what could be.

It feels good.

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